Not Another Ninja!
by Black Mage Leah
Summary: Oh dear. There's a new ninja in Konoha, and, believe it or not, she's even more hyperactive than Naruto. Not to mention twice as blond. CURRENT: Will our poor little ninjas ever escape from the Forest of Death?
1. t3h n1nj4 n00b

Not Another Ninja!

An Overly Obsessive Naruto Fic By Black Mage Leah

A/n – Yes. I'm finally writing fanfiction again. I had a lot of things written before that hadn't been posted yet, however, first my portable keyboard with many of them on it wiped itself, then my computer crashed, you get the idea. The point is, I simply have had neither time nor motivation to continue them. So, to my faithful readers, most of my already posted fics are being discontinued. I may continue them if you wonderful reviewers can take care of the whole motivational part for me. Individual explanations for each fic are and/or will be available in my profile. I'm sorry to people waiting for an update, but I promise not to take them down, so you can at least read what is there if you want to. Now, onto a less apologetic note, enjoy the Naruto-ness!

A/n – Yes, if you hadn't noticed from my others, I enjoy writing about myself. I'm almost always a character in my fics. Also, I basically manipulate the character's ages, who's with who at what time, the timeframe, and stuff, so it's never too accurate story-wise! Hooray for inaccuracy! Also, note that I'm not twelve. I'm fifteen. But twelve works better for this story, so there you are!

A/n – (yes, another one.) I like putting other people in my fics too! So, the first few people who ask can be characters! Yay! It's like a special present for the people who actually read all the way through these notes!

A/n – If anyone is wondering about the village name and all, I live in the town of Rockville. So that's where it's from.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for (hopefully, anyways!)… THE FIC!

* * *

Chapter One – T3h Ninja N00b! 

"Ugh…" Sakura groaned, "Where is he? He does this _every_ day!"

Sakura was sitting on a rock. It was five o' clock in the morning. Sakura was not happy. What was Sakura doing sitting on a rock at 5 A.M., you ask? Waiting for Kakashi-Sensei, of course!

Her mutterings were met with silence. Naruto and Sasuke were too busy shooting death glares at each other to notice her. Spending time with a Naruto who had just been shown up by a Sasuke was not Sakura's idea of fun. In fact, it was no one's idea of fun. Sasuke looked about ready to get up and slam Naruto's head into the tree he was leaning against. This was nothing compared to Naruto's look, however. If looks could kill, Sasuke would have been killed, buried, dug up, chopped up into lots of little bits, eaten by Kakashi's nindogs, excreted out, put back together, killed again, buried again, and then have the process repeated several times. Fortunately for Sasuke (and all of the authoress's fellow fangirls out there) they could not, unless you were Kakashi using your Sharingan to make your opponent's sanity spill out the holes you had probably put in their head by that point. To make a long story short, Naruto was not Kakashi, Naruto did not have Sharingan, and Naruto had no holes in Sasuke's head due to the fact that Sakura now had a very tight grip on the back of his neck and had his arms twisted up behind him.

"Good morning, everyone!" said Kakashi, who had just appeared behind Sakura.

"YOU'RE LATE, DAMMIT!" Naruto and Sakura yelled in unison.

"Ah, yes," Kakashi said, "A pretty girl stopped me on the way here…"

"LIAR!" his students (excluding Sasuke, he's so hot when he's quiet!) yelled.

"Eww…" said a voice from behind Kakashi, "Who would do that? You're all old and stuff!"

Kakashi did his little raised-eyebrows-sigh thing. "As I was saying," he went on, "The 7th group is going to have a new member! An… umm… 'exchange student' from the Hidden Village of Rockville."

"Whaaa?" said Naruto, "I thought it was called the Hidden Village of Rock…"

"Umm…" said the voice, "Rockville is my… umm… neighborhood! It's a section of the Rock Village!"

"Oh, well that's different!" Naruto said loudly, "Hi! I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I'm the greatest ninja in all of Leaf Village!"

"Hee hee!" the voice giggled, "You're so cute!" Insert sweatdrops on all present here.

"Hopefully we can ignore that previous statement," Sakura said blankly. "So… do you have a name or something?"

"Oh, right!" The girl stepped out from behind Kakashi. She was not very tall, even paler than Sakura and even blonder and blue eyed than Naruto. To make it all the worse, she was even more hyperactive than two Narutos combined! "My name is Leah! I am known to the population ofthe world of fanfiction asBlack Mage Leah! But you – " she did the over exaggerated finger pointing thing, "can call me Leah!"

Insert another set of sweatdrops on all present.

"Are you all acquainted yet?" Kakashi said with what we'll guess is a grin (you never know with his face covered…), "We have a brand new mission to do!"

* * *

A/n – I hope you like it so far. This chapter would have been longer, but I wanted to have something posted before I went to bed! Reviews make me update faster! 


	2. Capture the Flag: Part One

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer (I forgot to put one in the last chapter ;;): If someone were to tell you that I owned Naruto, then you would be able to be sure that it was part of a conspiracy set out to kill us all. So you don't have to worry about that, let it be known that Naruto does not belong to Leah.

A/n – Ah, the second chapter. Hooray! I can still add people to the fic, but I need names and descriptions, people! Also, sorry to people who don't have accounts, but I'm no longer allowing anonymous reviews. I don't mind constructive criticism, and I won't kill you if you flame, but, honestly, if you're going to flame me, have the balls to leave a name. It's common courtesy.

A/n – The possible pairings in this chapter will be: NaruxHina (they're so cute!), ShikaxIno, and the usual SakuxSasu. It may contain mild to severe character bashing. Don't be offended, I only bash them 'cause I like them.

* * *

And now, without further ado…

* * *

Chapter Two – Capture the Flag

"Are we there yet?" Leah and Naruto said simultaneously for the umpteenth time.

"NO!" Sakura yelled, "Stop asking!"

Naruto sighed and shut his mouth, in hopes that Sakura would like him more if he listened to her.

Leah, being a girl and clearly not crushing on Sakura, was not to be swayed. She looked around aimlessly. About thirty seconds later, she said, "How about now?"

Sakura glared daggers at Leah. "Why do you have to be with us?" she asked in despair.

It was now 8 in the morning, 8:03 if you want to be exact, 8:03 and 27 seconds if you're twitchy about those things. 7th group and their new tagalong were walking to the home of their current client. Alas, it was their mission to babysit a little boy named Billy.

"So…" Leah started as an attempt at conversation, "Is it really a good idea to hire ninjas to babysit your children? I wouldn't put it past Naruto to smack the brat halfway across the room!"

Naruto waved his arms around, yelling, "That's not true!"

"Ohh… of course," Sakura drawled, "You'd smack him _two thirds_ of the way across the room."

* * *

Three painful hours later, the four ninja and the one author ran away from Billy's house with relief.

"Is it even possible for one little kid to be so evil?" Leah said, rubbing her head which had been so unfortunate as to be the target of Billy's toy shuriken. It was blunt, of course, but still metal, and thus Leah had a large bump on her head. "Forget Naruto's two-thirds. I'd freaking smack him out of a third story window!"

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "You don't have time to right now." He grinned under his covering. "Now that we're done with the mission, we're going to do some training!"

Leah groaned inwardly. She suddenly gasped a very fake sounding gasp. "Sensei, look behind you!"

Kakashi rolled his eyes again. "Do you really think I'm that gullible?"

Leah continued to look in the direction she had been. "Oh my gosh! I think it's an excerpt from Flirting Paradise: The Movie!"

"REALLY?" Kakashi yelled, and spun to look in the direction Leah pointed. By the time he realized that there were both no hot girls and also no TV screens and turned back around, there was no Leah standing between Naruto and Sakura. "I can't believe I just fell for that."

* * *

The next day, the 7th group met at their normal place, but their new member was not there. Even when their sensei arrived an hour later, Leah was nowhere to be seen. This was noticed by all, some with relief, others with, well, relief! "Is she gone?" Sakura asked, "Please tell me she's gone!"

"Aww… do you not like me or something?" said a voice that sounded a lot like Leah's. In fact, it was Leah's! "Not that I should take offense," she added, "Because a girl who wears pink and red together obviously doesn't have much sense!"

"What are you doing?" Kakashi asked, clearly contemplating how incredibly stupid this girl was.

"We're ambushing you!" said another voice. "Isn't that kind of obvious?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and said his first line in this chapter of the fic. "That has got to be the worst attempt at an ambush I've ever seen."

"Ha!" a third voice said, "Writhe in terror, you ugly mushrooms of muddiness!"

"Except for you, of course, Sasuke-kun!" said Leah.

As if on cue, three girls including Leah jumped out of a nearby tree. The first of the two additions was rather short, with long black hair and a giant grin on her face. For the purposes of the fic, the reader shall know that her name was Michelle. The second was taller, with brown hair and a pair of glasses resting on her nose. Again, the reader shall know that her name was Olivia.

"Cower in fear!" Leah said over-exaggeratedly, "We are GROUP 7.5!"

"7.5?" Naruto asked, confused.

"That's seven and a half, Naruto-kun."

"You can't be a group," Sakura told them, "You don't have a teacher!"

"Yeah…" Leah said, sweatdropping, "We're just gonna hang around with you guys until we resolve that…"

Kakashi sighed in resignation. "Then shut up. We're about to start training."

"Ooh!" Leah exclaimed, "We should play a game! We can get all the other groups around and then make it really big!"

Kakashi was not at all hesitant in delivering his response. "No."

"Aww, come on!" Leah said, "It'll be fun!"

"No!"

"We can have a bikini party afterwards!"

"Enticing, but no."

"Umm… Sensei?" Olivia said, "There's just one problem with saying no."

"Yeah," said Michelle, "It's that Leah already told them to come."

"Hey, a little planning ahead never hurts."

Sakura joined in on Kakashi's eye rolling. "Normally planning ahead involves planning for something that is actually likely to happen."

"No, really!" Leah said, "Let's play Capture the Flag or something fun like that!"

A strange look came over Kakashi's face. He rubbed his chin, thinking. "Well… if we changed it up a bit… that could be quite an interesting training exercise."

Leah grinned. "I'll take that as a yes!" She turned to the trees. "Okay, you can come out now!"

Ino blinked in disbelief at Leah, Olivia, and Michelle. "When you asked us to come, I sort of assumed that you had already gotten approval…"

Almost every genin you could imagine was present. Standing in the trees Leah had spoken to were Ino, Shikamaru, Chouji, Hinata, Kiba, Shino, Lee, Tenten, Neji, Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari. Hinata was standing in the back, poking her fingers together as her darling stared at the group, which happened to be in her general direction.

"All right, listen up, then!" Kakashi yelled. "To make this game of yours training appropriate, we'll have to change up the rules. I'll explain them to you once we split into teams. I will now pick the team captains."

"Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!" squealed you know who. She pouted when Kakashi didn't answer right away. "It's only fair, the game was my idea!"

Kakashi sighed yet again. "Fine, if it will shut you up." He looked around. "Our other captain will be Uchiha Sasuke."

"SASUKE-KUN!" chorused a large group of fangirls nearby. Sasuke ran and hid behind a tree to escape the rabid fangirlish mob.

"Since Sasuke-kun is hiding behind a tree, does that mean I get to pick first?" Leah asked. Before the ninja could answer, she said, "I pick… Shikamaru!"

Shikamaru sighed. "How troublesome," he muttered. He walked over to stand behind Leah. As he was busy staring at the clouds, he promptly walked into a tree.

Behind this very same tree, our wonderful Sasuke was desperately hoping that the female mob had left. He stepped out, and much to his relief, they had. "All right. I pick Neji."

The team picking went on until the following results were reached: Leah's team consisted of Shikamaru, Olivia, Michelle, Hinata, Naruto, Gaara, Tenten, and Ino; and Sasuke's team consisted of Neji, Sakura, Chouji, Kiba, Shino, Lee, Kankuro, and Temari.

"I will now explain the rules," Kakashi said, and everyone groaned. "Instead of playing Capture the Flag in which you are in a field and the flag is at the opposite end, we will situate each team around a rock formation 'base' at one end of the forest, and have their flags on top of them. While in the normal game you only have to tag an opponent in your territory to 'send them to jail,' in this game you will physically need to capture your opponents and 'escort' them back to your 'jail.' Instead of being tagged by a teammate to be freed, you must physically escape on your own. You may use any method you want to accomplish either of these." He looked around the group. "You may use any weapon you like, as well as any techniques. The only rule is that if a player is killed, the other team is disqualified. The game will not end until one team has both flags together on top of their base."

Lee fidgeted. "So, what happens if you lose?"

Kakashi grinned. "We work in Leah's earlier idea. Whoever loses must wear a bikini for a full day, regardless of whether they are a boy or girl!"

"So, what do you get if you win?" Ino asked.

"The privilege of laughing at the losers' dress code, of course!"

Ino sighed romantically. "We'd better win. I want to see Sasuke in a bikini!"

Kakashi ignored this outburst. "Sasuke's base is on the northern end of the forest by the cliffs. Leah's is at the southern end by the river. When you all arrive at your bases, the game will begin."

* * *

A/n - So much for the second installment of "Not Another Ninja!" Next chapter: The actual game! Most likely up tomorrow! 


	3. Capture the Flag: Part Two

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer: Naruto does not belong to me. If it did, it would most likely be called, "The Super-Awesome Shikamaru Show!" But, as Shikamaru is sadly not the main character, you can assume Naruto does not belong to me.

A/n – OMG SORRY x10! It took so much longer than I thought, but I've been currently dragging myself out the hole of a failing grade in Spanish class… I'll try to get chapter four up faster than this one. It's really long to make up for it! I hope you like the idea of capture the flag. OMG. It's like Halo, but with ninjas! How cool is that? Also, if you can't tell from this chapter, I am not only a Sasuke fangirl, but also a Shikamaru and Gaara fangirl. Yay! And, if you can recognize the Red vs. Blue references in this, then you are officially cool!

A/n – Also, this chapter is mainly going to focus on the events of the blue team. Why, you ask? Because that's the team we're on, of course! Also, I have noticed the extreme decrease in reviews without the anonymous ones ''. So, just please restrain your negative responses to constructive criticism! Flames will be used to fulfill my pyromaniac urges, so flame at your own risk!

* * *

And, today's random tidbit of randomness for the people who don't just skip to the fic!

It is physically impossible to lick your elbow. Unless you are Orochimaru. In which case, seriously, that's just gross. Just how does he fit that tongue in his mouth, anyway?

* * *

Chapter Three: Capture the Flag: Part Two

"Sasuke's team will be the red team, and Leah's team will be the blue team," Kakashi told the genins. "Don't forget!"

"Umm… Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto said, rubbing his head, "Doesn't this seem a little too dangerous for just training?"

Leah shrugged. "It's not so bad. If he said no to that one, my next suggestion was going to be that we play dodgeball with shurikens!"

Insert many instances of sweatdropping here.

"Whaaat?" Leah said, frowning at everyone, "Don't you like to have fun?"

"Leah," Kakashi said in exasperation, "If you want to play this game so badly, why don't you start walking?"

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Leah, Olivia, Michelle, Shikamaru, Ino, Gaara, Hinata, Naruto, and Tenten arrived at their base, or their "castle," as Leah preferred to call it. "All right, team! First order of business, I officially hereby appoint Olivia and Michelle as my sub-captains of the team!"

"Woohoo!" said Olivia.

"Next on the list," Leah went on, "If we don't want to parade around Konoha in bikinis all day, then we need a good game plan! And that–" everyone looked in one direction, "Is why we have Shikamaru on our team!"

Shikamaru sighed as he stared at the pretty butterfly above him. _Why is it always me…?

* * *

_

Around the same time that the blue team was getting to their "castle," Sasuke, Neji, Sakura, Chouji, Kiba, Shino, Lee, Kankuro, and Temari arrived at their base, or their "worthless pile of rocks," as Sasuke preferred to call it. As her darling Sasuke-kun was clearly busy fuming over the fact that he was being forced to play a silly game when he could be training for _real_, Sakura quickly took charge of the red team.

"Okay, listen up!" she yelled, "To start with, it will be easier to get the blue flag if they don't have anyone defending it! So we're going to divide into subgroups to make it easier to capture them!"

"Great idea, Sakura-chan!" Lee yelled, much to Sakura's annoyance.

She chose to ignore Lee's outburst. "The groups will be: Neji, Chouji, and Kiba; Lee, Shino, and Kankuro; and Temari, Sasuke, and I."

"Yes, ma'am…" her teammates said in resignation to her enthusiasm.

* * *

Not remarkably, the blue team had just come up with a similar idea. Wait, it wasn't a similar idea, it was the exact same idea!

"Okay – groups!" Leah said, "Ino and Tenten will be with Olivia, Naruto and Hinata will be with Michelle, and Gaara and Shikamaru will be with me!"

Hinata turned a violent shade of scarlet. She was in the same group as Naruto-kun! This obviously did not go unnoticed by Michelle, who most likely had some devious matchmaking scheme going on in her head.

"Okay," Leah said, "One more thing: personal warnings. Number one: Naruto, if we win, I'll buy you ramen, but if we lose, I'll force-feed you raw slugs. Understood?"

Naruto groaned and rubbed his head. "Competitive, aren't we?"

"Like you're one to talk," Ino said with a complimentary eye roll.

"Number two: Shikamaru, there is to be no staring at the clouds while enemies are in sight. Got it?"

Shikamaru sighed and acted like he hadn't heard. He was probably to busy staring at the clouds.

"And numbers three and four are for the same person!" Leah said in false cheerfulness. "Gaara. Firstly, if you kill someone and get us disqualified, I will personally pick you up, shove you in a potato sack, drag you to the deepest fiery pit of hell, and throw you in it. Then, once you are well roasted, I will pull you out and dress you in a frilly ballerina outfit instead of a bikini."

Gaara treated Leah to one of his oh-so-enticing death glares. Inwardly, Leah was sighing romantically.

"Secondly, if not only you break the first rule, but you _teamkill_, I swear by all that is chocolaty that I will not only carry out my aforementioned plan, but I will buy you pink butterfly wings, fancy make-up, pink tights, and a pink wand. I will then add these accessories to your little pink leotard and tutu. Are we on the same page here?"

Gaara continued glaring at Leah. "And what if the person I kill is you?"

"Then I will come back as a ghost and make certain that you die a slow, painful, and humiliating death. In the aforementioned costume. But this time, I'll add castration. _Understood?_"

Gaara threw in one more death glare, then turned away. Clearly the sexy little Sand ninja had had enough of Leah's threats.

Leah turned to the rest of the team. "Now that that's all out of the way, let's get started!" She paused for a second and said, "Naruto, Hinata, and Michelle will be guarding the castle first. After two hours, Ino, Tenten, and Olivia will take a turn guarding, then after another two hours, Shikamaru, Gaara, and I will guard. The two groups who aren't guarding will meet to decide who will do what." She stopped talking and thought for a second. "Come to think of it, before we move out, let's have everyone make some noise traps to surround the castle."

"Noise traps?" Ino asked, clueless.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Dry branches, across the path, that make noise when you step on them. It's less conspicuous than sentries." The explanation finished, everyone got to work.

* * *

Noise traps being finished, Leah's group and Olivia's group left the base to begin the game. "Naruto," Michelle said immediately after the others had left, "You stay down here and make sure no one sneaks up on us. Hinata and I will go up to the top of the base to try to secure the flag down so it's harder to take."

"Right!" said Naruto, and did not move.

"Let's go, Hinata," Michelle said, and began to climb.

"Coming," Hinata said, stealing one last glance at Naruto before she joined Michelle.

* * *

"Now what?" Tenten said once they had been walking for a few minutes.

"Umm…" Olivia said, "Plan!" Everyone looked at Shikamaru expectantly.

Shikamaru sighed. "How troublesome," he muttered, and resumed staring at the clouds.

Leah snapped several twigs in exasperation. "Fine," she said, "Olivia, Ino, and Tenten will play defense for now. After an hour and a half, meet back here and we'll see how things are going. Just work to establish a 'prison' and to capture the offense on the other team. Okay?" They nodded. "Gaara, Shikamaru, and I will go into the enemy territory and try to figure out a way to get the flag."

"Shouldn't you guys play defense?" Olivia asked, "What with Gaara holding them with sand and Shikamaru with shadows?"

Leah pouted. "I directly noticed that you didn't say anything about me. I can run really fast, I'll have you know!"

((A/n – I really do run quite fast. However, that's about all I can do…))

"That's ever so slightly useless in this situation," Ino said with a sigh.

Leah glared at Ino. "So what? You can hold them too. Just use _your_ justu, dammit!"

* * *

SEVERAL DEATH GLARES LATER

* * *

"Now," Leah said, "My little friends and I are ready to leave."

"I wouldn't exactly call us friends," Shikamaru said, "I'd call us more of acquaintances… or coworkers…"

"Or," Gaara added, "People who work with other people that they hate!"

"You wound me deeply," Leah said incredibly overdramatically.

"I'm sure," Olivia said.

* * *

Hinata panted for breath. How in the world was she not to the top yet? The base definitely didn't look this high from the ground.

"Hinata, hurry up!" Michelle said, "Otherwise my instant cement will dry up, and all this work will go to waste!"

"Isn't it, I dunno, kind of, cheating to put the flag in cement?" Hinata gasped as she dragged herself onto the top ledge.

"Nah," Michelle said, "Kakashi-sensei didn't say we couldn't, so I'll just assume we can!"

"Umm… alright."

"Now give me a hand, will you?" Michelle pulled the jar of cement out of her pouch. "I don't suppose you know how to make a hole in the rock, do you? I'd have Naruto do it, but Ransengan would probably blow the whole place up…"

"But shouldn't we save our Chakra? Just in case?"

Michelle shrugged. "I guess. I'll just pile it around, then."

The flag secured (most likely permanently), it was time to come down. Hinata went to the edge to start climbing.

Then, out of the blue, Michelle tripped. And she just happened to fall on Hinata. Who just happened to fall of the base.

* * *

Naruto stood at the foot of the base, bored as anything. He hoped Hinata and Michelle would get back soon, then he would at least have someone to talk to.

Suddenly he heard a scream. Suddenly, he looked up. Suddenly, a very red Hinata fell into his arms.

"N-n-naruto-kun…" Hinata stuttered, staring up into his eyes.

"Well?" Michelle said, leaning against the base.

"What?" Naruto said, plainly confused.

Michelle rolled her eyes. "When you save a girl's life, it's customary that you kiss her! It's in the rules!"

Both Naruto and Hinata turned beet red.

"Come on," Michelle told him, "You know you want to…"

With a smile that contained none of his usual goofiness, Naruto gently set Hinata on her feet, and complied.

* * *

A/n – Aww… I love Naruto and Hinata together. It's so cute. Part three will come sooner if you review! hint hint 


	4. Capture the Flag: Part Three

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer – I don't own Naruto. I don't even own a single Naruto DVD or book. That's what the internet is for. I also don't own the "make the characters say whatever you want them to" (stolen from other ficcys!) device. Hence the name.

A/n – I AM SHOCKED AND APPALLED! I got ZERO reviews for the last chapter! If you want this fic to be continued, the REVIEW, for the sake of my sanity (of which there is very little, but the concept works here)! Also, I couldn't help it! There is one big, long Red vs. Blue reference in here! If you don't watch it, then you should!

A/n – In case anyone cares, I just got a SUPER KAWAII HAIRCUT! It's kinda like a mix between Sakura's and Hinata's hair. I 3 it lots.

* * *

Chapter 4: Capture the Flag: Part Three

As he kissed her, Naruto realized something he had probably already known for a long time. He had never wanted Sakura in the first place.

Hinata turned a terribly bright shade of red, and promptly fainted.

Michelle sighed. "Got any smelling salts or something of the like?"

Naruto stared blankly at her.

"That's what I thought." She sighed, and reached into her shuriken holder. Pulling out a bottle of we-probably-don't-even-want-to-know-what, she stuck it underneath Hinata's nose.

Hinata coughed, and opened her eyes. "What _is_ that stuff?"

"Umm…" Michelle said, "You don't want to know. But it worked, didn't it?"

* * *

Around the same time that drama was occurring at the blue base, Leah, Shikamaru, and Gaara were jumping along the trees in "enemy territory."

"Do we really have to move this fast?" Shikamaru asked.

"Yes," Leah said, "And if you don't shut up so they don't find us, I will use my 'make the characters say whatever you want them to' (stolen from other ficcys!) device or MTCSWYWTTSFOF device for short!"

"Is that supposed to be a threat?" Gaara asked blandly.

Leah pushed the button on the MTCSWYWTTSFOF device.

"When Temari isn't looking, I put on her pretty dresses and pretend to ride pretty pink ponies around her bedroom!" Gaara suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs.

As it would happen, Temari, Sasuke, and Sakura were standing beneath them at that very moment!

Temari looked disturbed. "Someone _please_ tell me it wasn't Gaara who just yelled that."

Sasuke looked up, and saw a beet red Gaara with his hands clapped over his mouth hanging by a rope of sand out of the tree above him. "That depends," he told Temari, "What do you want me to say?"

Temari looked up as well. "Gaara," she asked nervously, clearly not aware of the threats placed on him if he killed someone, "Is that true?"

"No, no, of course–" Leah pushed the button again, "– Yes, it is! My favorite one is your bright pink one with the purple butterflies and polka dots on it!"

Temari turned bright red. Leah readied her finger on the button. "I can't believe you just told everyone about that!" Suddenly she turned to Sasuke and Sakura. "Even though he's my little brother, I've always thought that Gaara was the sexiest thing on the planet!" Now it was Temari's turn to clap her hands over her mouth in horror.

Sakura was truly disturbed. She clung to Sasuke's arm until he yanked it away and ran up the tree to Shikamaru and Gaara, who hopefully wouldn't start hugging him. But, alas, another push of the button was at work.

Gaara turned and grabbed Sasuke's hands. "Uchiha Sasuke, I have to admit it! I've always been madly in love with you!"

Sakura looked up, and saw her beloved's hands being held by another boy. She swayed, and promptly fainted.

Gaara recovered from the button push, and sand promptly crushed the device. He advanced on Leah. "I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You."

"Gaara," Leah said sweetly, " Now that they've all gone all twitchy-crazy like, why don't we go steal their flag?"

* * *

Unaware of the insanity that was going on in red territory, Olivia, Ino, and Tenten were relaxing against a tree. No enemies had come their way, and there was _nothing_ to do.

On the other side of the tree, Lee, Shino, and Kankuro sat down to take a break.

Lee was very absorbed in driving Kankuro thoroughly insane. "Kankuro-san, you are not very youthful! You must learn to be youthful! Blah blah blah youthful! Yada yada yada youthful! Zuru zuru zuru zuru youthful!" And so on it went.

Tenten heard. Tenten rolled her eyes. "Lee, shut the CENSORED up!" she yelled and ran over without even thinking to hit Lee on the head.

"Tenten-chan!" Lee yelled, "You are looking so youthful today!"

"Hey, Lee," Shino said emotionlessly, as usual, "You DO know she's not on our team, right?"

"Now!" Olivia yelled from above them, and they jumped down to attack the three boys with their ropes.

Thirty seconds later, there were no reds tied up, and our three kunoichi were stuffed inside one of Kankuro's puppets.

"So, now what should we do with them?" Shino asked Kankuro.

"Take them back to our side, I guess."

"I am sorry, Tenten-chan!" Lee yelled, over exaggerated tears streaming down his face.

"Lee, for the last time, SHUT THE CENSORED UP!" Tenten yelled.

"Come to think of it," Olivia said, "I don't really want to win. The thought of Lee, Shino, and Kankuro in bikinis is rather frightening."

* * *

"_This_ is supposed to be a flag?" Leah asked incredulously, pointing at the handkerchief tied to a stick as they ran back to their territory.

* * *

Lee, Shino, and Kankuro arrived at the base of their worthless pile of rocks just as Sasuke, Temari, and Sakura returned, looking disturbed. Neji, Chouji, and Kiba were already there.

Lee promptly began a pep-rally sort of thing. "Get the flag!"

"Get the flag!" Kiba joined.

"Get the flag!" Neji joined as well.

"Get the fucker's flag!" Sasuke was the most enthusiastic, for once.

"We must protect this house!" Lee continued.

"We must protect this house!" his teammates chorused.

"We must protect this house!" Kiba repeated in a very high pitched voice.

"This is our house!" Lee yelled.

Sakura looked up. "Umm, guys, look! Where's our flag?"

"What?"

"No!"

"The flag is gone?"

"What will we do?" Kiba said in the same voice.

Lee stood up on a platform. "If the flag is gone, who will lead us? Who will inspire us with their shiny pole? Who will flag directions to us in battle? We are lost, and the world as we knew it is gone forever from our eyes, only to live in our memories as the days of salad and glory! Truly these are the ends of times! Repent! Repent!"

Insert awkward silence here.

Sasuke was the first to respond. "This sucks, I'm leaving!"

"Yeah!" Neji added. They all promptly left to their respective locations.

* * *

"Woot! We win!" Leah screamed as she slammed the flag down onto her castle.

"Hell yeah!" Naruto yelled, "Take that, Sasuke!"

"I still hate you," Gaara informed Leah.

"Is this any different from before?" Kakashi asked.

"Whoa!" Michelle yelled, "Where'd you come from?"

"Well, Michelle," Hinata said, "When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much-"

"NO!" Michelle yelled before Hinata could continue, "I meant, when did he get to our base?"

"Ohh…" Hinata said. She was obviously thinking about Naruto the entire time.

"I have to admit," Kakashi said, grinning, "I found this quite entertaining. I even invited some other people to watch!"

"Kakashi, what in the world have you been teaching these kids?" Anko said. "And they all thought _I _was weird!"

"So, when is the parade?" Jiraiya asked.

"As soon as the losers are informed of their fate!" Kakashi yelled.

"Ohh…" Anko said, "May I do the honors?"

"Of course," Kakashi told her, "They're over there."

* * *

At the red base, Anko promptly appeared. "Congratulations!" Anko told them, "You've won-"

"We did?" Lee asked.

"-an all expenses paid trip to Tsunade's secret bikini stash!"

"Tsunade has a secret bikini stash?" Kankuro asked incredulously.

"Nah," Anko said, "That's the name of the store where we're going to get you your outfits! They're our sponsors!"

* * *

RANDOM COMMERCIAL: This fic is brought to you by Tsunade's Secret Bikini Stash! For all your blackmailing needs! Note: Camera not included.

* * *

Well, I hope you liked chapter four. I probably will continue regardless of reviews, but reviews will motivate me to do it a lot faster. 


	5. Capture the Flag: The Aftermath

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer – Me no ownie. You no sue-ie. Neh?

A/n – Yay! Olivia sent me a nice, long review, and it made me want to update really fast! So, here, without delays, commercials, or sticky soda spilled all over it, is Chapter Five! On another note, this is the end of the Capture the Flag story arc. Next will be something different, but the same. Did that make any sense at all? Also, Leah's mind has been changed. Ino is an annoying ditz, and Shikamaru is much better with Temari. We all know she likes him.

* * *

And, another random bit of randomness, as I couldn't think of one for the last chapter.

If a stripper got breast implants, could she put it down on her taxes as a career expense?

Why do they call the peanuts "shelled?" Shouldn't they be called un-shelled? Or de-shell-afied? Or something?

* * *

Chapter Five: Capture the Flag: The Aftermath

* * *

"Sweet holy hell, someone gouge out my eyes!" Leah screamed.

Apparently, Kakashi was quite the gossip. At least half of the Jounins, most of the Chuunins, and all of the academy students had turned up to watch the losing Genins parade. And at the very head of the aforementioned parade, a very sulky looking Kankuro stomped along in a hot pink string bikini. Hence Leah's outburst.

But the horrors did not stop their, and the winners were more likely to take a kunai and stab themselves in the eyes than enjoy their victory. Behind Kankuro, was a heavily padded blue tankini-clad Lee, who was busy exclaiming to the crowd how he felt so youthful, and wished he had tried this before. Tenten simply could not stop laughing, but the others were on the verge of puking.

Seeing the next parader (if that isn't a word, then it is now), all kunoichi present burst out in laughter, and all males whistled, catcalled, or drooled. Alas, it was Sakura in a padded pink bikini with hibiscus print on it. She was waving her chest and butt around, clearly trying to look sexy for Sasuke-kun.

As Neji would put it, she was not destined to succeed. Sasuke was right behind her, and did not look happy at all to see every girl there staring at him in skintight green Speedo. It was clearly originally a bikini, but he seemed to have shed the top section. Every female, and even a few males, drooled incessantly. This did not please Sasuke-kun, and neither did Sakura's rear, which occasionally brushed up against him. He resolved to slit Leah's throat while she was asleep. Leah and her stupid ideas must not be allowed to live! This little outfit was crushing his manhood – umm… we mean… his dignity!

As destiny had it, Neji was next! Later, he was slapped by Sakura for being suggested of using his Byakugan to look inside her bikini. He had followed the fashion set by Sasuke, and had shed the bikini top and left the bottom. His was electric blue with lightning bolts on it. He decided it was much sexier than Sasuke's, and was thus appeased.

Everyone on the winning team promptly hid their eyes, for Shino was next in line. He had left the top on, unlike the boys in front of him. His was yellow with big, happy ladybugs on it. Shino secretly liked it a lot. He resolved to keep it afterwards.

No one looked up, for Chouji was next. He's sweet and all, but I don't think any of us want to know what he looks like in a bikini.

Heads were raised again, Kiba was up. He was in not a bikini, but a pair of leopard-print underwear that said on the back, "I'm a Sexy Beast." Akamaru had a cute little matching cape. All females swooned.

Males finally had another shot. Temari paraded down with all flair. She was in a black itty-bitty bikini, and _damn_ did it look good on her. She knew it, too. She strutted her stuff down the line with pride, only stopping to wink at Shikamaru. We all know she likes him.

Leah had had more than enough. She ran over to the next street and ducked into the ramen shop, waving Michelle and Olivia with her. To her dismay, when she arrived, Naruto was seated, grinning at her.

"You," he said evilly, "Said you would by me ramen if we won. I want it now."

Leah sighed. "I knew coming here was a bad idea. I would have gone to the dango shop, but I was afraid Anko might be there. I think I need a little bit of sanity after our 'victory celebration,'" she sighed, "And somehow, I got the feeling she wouldn't provide it."

"Don't care. Pay up. I'm hungry."

Leah looked up. "Whoa, look, Sakura's coming by in that bikini of hers. I still say it looks awful."

"Sakura-chan? In a bikini? Still?" Naruto squealed, and spun to look. By the time it occurred to him that a) Sakura was not there, and b) he was with Hinata now, there were no Leahs, Michelles, or Olivias in the ramen shop.

* * *

"That kid is ridiculously gullible," Olivia laughed.

"Too true," said Michelle, "Most of them are."

Leah shrugged. "Meh," she said, "What should we do now?"

"Prank calls?" Olivia suggested with a grin.

"Sounds good," Leah said and pulled out her cell phone. "Who should we call first?"

"Ooh…" Michelle said, "I knew this would come in handy!" She pulled a sheet of paper out of her pocket.

"What's that?" Olivia asked, although she was pretty sure she already knew.

"A list. It's got a bunch of ninjas' cell phone numbers."

"Just Konoha? Or all over?"

Michelle grinned. "All over."

"Gimme that!" Leah squealed, and snatch the list. She scanned her eyes down the page, and a grin lit her face. "Here's our first victim. I always wanted to do this."

Olivia looked at where Leah pointed. "Are you absolutely insane? What if he has caller ID? He'll freakin' annihilate us!"

* * *

Who was Leah pointing at, that caused such uproar? To find out, wait for the next chapter! Woo hoo!

A/n – Okay, I couldn't resist the cliffy. You can probably guess anyway. I just wanted the prank calls to be a separate chapter. REVIEW! I'll start writing chapter six right away!


	6. Prank Calls

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer: If I own Naruto, this would not be hosted by fanfiction dot net. Also, I would have money and also probably speak fluent Japanese. As none of these are true, it should be publicly assumed that Naruto does not belong to me.

A/n – Haha, the cliffy was just a joke. I just wanted more than one chappie in a day! Also note that all phone numbers were derived from randomly pressing numbers on my keypad. You know what I love about this fic, though? It's the kind of storyline that will never really be complete, so I can keep going indefinitely! w00t! Also, there is a REALLY easy to spot Inuyasha reference in here! If you don't get it, you're either completely pathetic or you've never seen Inuyasha! For the latter people, if you don't know, a yokai is a demon. In case you are unaware like that.

* * *

Feh. I can't think of any Randomnesses as the moment. You'll just have to wait until next chapter.

* * *

Chapter Six: Prank Calls

* * *

Olivia's and Michelle's eyes widened in horror when they saw Leah's planned prank call.

Where she pointed, the sheet of numbers said:

* * *

Orochimaru………………………………………………….148-963-1484

* * *

"Let me get this straight," Olivia said, "You want to prank call Orochimaru. _The_ Orochimaru?"

"Y'know, like, the guy who's like a Sannin and stuff?" Michelle added, "Who is, um, all evil and not very nice and stuff?"

"Not to mention kind of creepy looking?" Olivia put in.

Leah rolled her eyes. "You two are a bunch of pansies!"

"I am _not_ a pansy!" Michelle yelled, "I just kinda value my life a little bit!"

"Feh, whatever," Leah said, and dialed Orochimaru's number into her phone. "What should we say?"

"Say to who?" said a female voice behind them.

"Eep!" said the three girls, and jumped up about a foot each.

"What are you three doing out here?" said Anko, who had certainly freaked the girls out to a level at which Naruto would have pissed himself. However, as we all know, the female half of the human race has much more composure than their male counterparts, and does not fall victim to such silly things.

"Oh… um… nothing?" Olivia said innocently.

"Then why are you holding a sheet of paper with phone numbers on it?" Anko demanded. She looked closer at the phone and sheet. "And is there some specific reason that Orochimaru of all people is one whose number is dialed?"

"Um… well…" Michelle started.

Leah, being her outgoing, overbearing self, happily said, "We're gonna prank call a bunch of ninjas! Wanna help?"

Anko looked around, making sure there was no one nearby before she leaned in and said, "Hell yes!"

Leah grinned. "That's what I thought. So, what should I say?"

Anko grabbed the phone. "No way! I'm _so_ doing it."

Leah pouted, but was not interested in meeting the sharper ends of any of Anko's various weapons if she argued. So it was Anko who got to make the call.

* * *

In a pretty little nail salon in Hidden Village of Sound, everyone's favorite creepy snake-like guy was getting his nails done (we all know they aren't naturally that color!). The front attendant suddenly ran up to him. "Orochimaru-sama, your cell phone is ringing. Are you going to answer it?"

Orochimaru flipped open his phone. "Hello."

The voice on the other end giggle very girlishly. "Orochimaru-chan, I simply couldn't _wait_ to talk to you again! We had such a _grand_ time last night!"

"What?" Orochimaru exclaimed, "I wasn't with anyone last night!"

"Oh, that's right," the voice said sweetly, "You were _awfully_ drunk, weren't you?"

"But, that's not possible! I didn't have any sort of hangover this morning or anything!"

"Well," the voice said, "Sex is pretty good at preventing those. Doncha remember? At the dango shop in Suna?"

"I wasn't in Suna last night!" Orochimaru nearly cried. Then something clicked in his brain. "For the love of – _This had damn well not be you, Anko!_"

"Anko?" asked the voice, "Of course it is – I mean, no way! Who's Anko? Is she your girlfriend?"

"Anko," Orochimaru said dangerously, "If you don't hang up the phone this instant and let me get back to my manicure, I will head straight over to Konoha and rip your goddamn head off."

There was a loud, long giggle at the other end. "You're getting a _manicure?_ So are you a crossdresser now?" The call was promptly disconnected before Orochimaru could respond.

* * *

Thirty seconds later, in Tsunade's office, the phone rang.

"Hello?" the Hokage said, downing a cup of sake.

"Dammit, Tsunade! You need to keep better control over your ninjas!" the voice yelled.

"Orochimaru?" Tsunade said, "Why are you calling me now? You know I take my sake break around this time!"

"I'm freakin' serious! If Anko prank calls me one more time, I'm going to friggin' kill you all!"

"She _did_?" Tsunade gasped. "I gotta go congratulate her for having the balls to!" She hung up the phone.

"And people wonder why I hate Konoha so much…" Orochimaru groaned.

* * *

"Alright, who's next?" Anko asked.

"I _so_ get to do this one!" Leah said, "You got the last one!"

"Alright, then, who do none of us want to do?" Olivia asked.

Michelle pointed on the list. "Him."

Leah looked on. "This will be awesome."

* * *

Halfway across Konoha, Gaara's cell phone rang. "Hello?" he said blandly, as usual.

"Hello, sir!" the person on the line said, "Here at Sango's extermination services, we've heard that you've had raccoon problems! For a limited time only, we'll only charge you-"

"I do not have _raccoon problems_," Gaara said menacingly.

"Oh," said the caller, "What about yokai? Got any yokai over there?"

"This is Leah, isn't it?"

"What? No – of course not!" Leah hastily hung up. "Man, he sure seems PMS-y. Are you really sure he's a guy?"

* * *

Once every other genin (excluding Hinata, that would just be mean!) on the list had been pranked, Leah, Olivia, Michelle, and Anko were finally satisfied. They made a very Anko-forced unanimous decision to head over to the dango shop.

"Hey, look, there they are!" said a not very happy Kiba.

"You still owe me ramen!" Naruto yelled.

Many other shouts went up. Pretty soon, Anko got pissed off and charged. The three girls followed suit. Within a few minutes, an all out riot was formed. Even Hinata was there, albeit just watching.

The fight went on, and on. Finally, water splashed over everyone, knocking them to the ground.

Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, and Gai stood on the edge of the little square, none looking terribly happy.

"I think you all need to come with us," Kakashi said. He turned and started walking, all present following.

* * *

A/n – This ending was absolutely the perfect way to lead into my next idea. It shall come soon, so review! 


	7. Circle Time

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer – I don't own Naruto. But when I take over the world, I'm going to steal Gaara, Shikamaru, and Sasuke and hide them under my bed.

A/n – Wow, it's hard to think of disclaimers for every chapter. But I hope this chapter is appreciated, because I wrote it when I was supposed to be paying attention in school! By the way, this chapter is based of something my gymnastics coach made my team do after we were all fighting and no one was willing to speak to anyone else. Quite a mess, that was. Also, this chapter took longer to get up because it's all long and stuff and my wrists got tired of typing and I had to take a break and stuff. Also, there's the whole school thing and also the studying for the AP Government exam-ness. You get the idea. Also, clearly I'm not going to narrate the entire circle. That would be… 19 people, 18 compliments each. And 19 times 18 is 342. I can't think of 342 compliments, nor am I interested in trying. So, the characters I want to do will be done, and otherwise just highlights will be given. But don't worry; I'll have at least one quote from each character.

* * *

Chapter Seven: Circle Time

* * *

"So, would any of you care to explain to me what was going on out there?"

All the Konoha genins, Leah, Olivia, Michelle, Anko, Shikamaru, Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro stood inside a room in a big, sulky clump. Everyone but Hinata was glaring at at least two or three other members of the group. The four Jounins did not exactly have the happiest looks on their faces.

"Well?" Kakashi asked.

"No regrets!" Anko said with vigor, "Those calls were friggin' hilarious!"

"Same here," Naruto put in, "I finally got Anko back for what she did before the second Chuunin exam!"

Gai grew all big and scary-like. "THIS IS NOT THE PROPER WAY TO USE YOUR YOUTHFUL ENERGIES!" Everyone promptly sweatdropped.

Asuma chewed on his usual cigarette. "All this fighting is hurting everyone's teamwork. It needs to end."

"Feh," said Kankuro, "It's not like we had any in the first place."

Kakashi sighed. "If there were a mission that took this may of you, we could just send you on that to make you make up, but there isn't. So we'll just have to improvise."

Kurenai stood up. "I'll take it from here." She walked to the center of the room. "We're going to some exercises here. You're all going to sit where I tell you now." She walked to one end of the room. "We'll start on this side. Naruto will sit over here." She moved so Naruto could sit. "Now, we're going to form a circle. Next to Naruto will be Gaara. Leah will sit next to Gaara. Shino will sit next to Leah. Olivia will sit next to Shino. Neji will sit next to Olivia. Hinata will sit next to Neji. Michelle will sit next to Hinata. Kiba will sit next to Michelle. Kankuro will sit next to Kiba. Ino will sit next to Kankuro. Sakura will sit next to Ino. Chouji will sit next to Sakura. Sasuke will sit next to Chouji. Shikamaru will sit next to Sasuke. Anko will sit next to Shikamaru. Tenten will sit next to Anko. Finally, Temari will sit between Tenten and Naruto."

All members of the fuming and sulky group moved to their seats on the floor. It was soon noticed that everyone was seated between people that they either a) hated, b) were irritated by, c) were terrified of, d) barely knew, or e) any and/or all of the above.

"All settled?" Kurenai asked. No one said a word. They were all busy glaring at someone or another. "Good!" she said with a grin. "Okay, we're going to start! We will go around the circle, and everyone must think of something nice to say about every other person in the circle. Naruto, let's start with you."

"Umm… Okay…" Naruto said nervously, "Uh… Gaara is very-"

"Don't say it to me!" Kurenai yelled. She could be almost as scary as Anko when she put her mind to it. "Say it to him!"

Naruto gulped. "Okay… Gaara, you are much hotter than I am, and you have a lot of fangirls."

"Like me!" Leah and Olivia chorused.

"DON'T INTERUPT!" Kurenai screamed. Who knew she had it in her?

"Umm… Leah, you are very daring and creative." _More like crazy_, he said to himself. "Shino, you are very good at telling bugs apart. Olivia, you wear a really pretty necklace and it looks good on you. Neji, you're really good at just about everything. Hinata, you are really sweet and nice. Michelle, you are good at… um… _matchmaking_. Kiba, you're really brave to wear that outfit all around Konoha. Ino, you're really strong, for a girl."

"What did you just say?" hissed every kunoichi in the circle before a glare from Kurenai shut them up.

"Okay… Sakura-chan, you're smart and really pretty. Chouji, you are… very… buff."

"And what do you mean by that?" Chouji asked suspiciously.

"Sasuke, you're really popular and all the girls love you. Shikamaru, you're super smart. Fuzzy eyebrows, you are-"

"NARUTO!" Kurenai roared, "WE DO NOT TOLERATE NAME CALLING IN THE CIRCLE!"

"Sorry…" Naruto said meekly, "_Lee_, you are super good at taijustu." Noticing who was next, he paused super nervously. "Umm… Anko-sensei… you are… umm… scary!" He gulped audibly when Kurenai glared daggers at him. "But, I mean, like, scare in a good way! Heh…" Naruto majorly sweatdropped. "Um… Tenten, you are really cute and I like your hairstyle." Tenten giggled. "And Temari, you're… a bitch! But in a good way!" he added hastily.

Kurenai nodded. "Now it's Gaara's turn."

Gaara grunted, but complied. "Naruto. You are strong. I hate it." He moved on. "Leah, you are incredibly evil. You are the most evil person I know."

Kurenai was about to say (or scream) something, but Leah beat her to it. "Aww, Gaara-chan, that's so sweet! I didn't know you even cared!"

"I don't," Gaara told her.

Leah giggled. "Aww… you're so shy! It's adorable!" She immediately glomped Gaara, who immediately yelled in disgust and threw her off.

"Shino, your compliment is that I don't know enough about you to insult you." Shino snorted. Gaara continued. "Olivia, you are not as weird as Leah is. Neji, you are also irritatingly strong. Hinata, you are weak, but that's alright, because if you were strong, I would have a death wish for you, too. Michelle, it was funny when you pushed Hinata off the base. Kiba, you are good with dogs, and it irritates me. Kankuro, you are automatically an important figure in this world because you are related to the wonderful _me_. Ino, you are carefree and ditzy, which is okay, because you could have been a druggie, or worse, an emokid. I really hate emokids. I kill all the ones I can. Sakura, you are good at distracting Naruto. Chouji, you are easy to piss off, and it's fun. Sasuke, you are also too strong and I also hate you. Shikamaru, you are smarter than me, and I hate that. Lee, you're strong but I'm better. Anko, it's funny when you make Naruto practically wet himself. Tenten, you're good at making yourself look bad. And, Temari, you have lots of pretty dresses." Gaara clapped his hands over his mouth, then spun to glare at Leah. "If you've got another one of those things-"

"It wasn't me, I swear!" Leah said, actually telling the truth for once. "It was all you, Gaara-chan!"

Gaara muttered, and rose.

"And what might you be doing?" Kakashi asked cheerfully, clearly being amused at the participants' expenses.

"I'm leaving. Are you completely blind?"

"No, no, no," Kakashi said with a grin, wagging his finger in Gaara's face and thoroughly enjoying the boy's irritation. "You were as much involved as the rest of them."

"Feh. Try and stop me."

* * *

Thirty seconds later, a bound, gagged, and rather unhappy Gaara sat between Leah and Naruto once more. Leah happily took this opportunity to play with Gaara's adorable red hair while he could do nothing to stop her.

"Now it's Leah's turn," Kurenai said as if she were speaking to a group of five year olds. Not remarkable, considering this was what most of the participants were currently acting like.

"Okay," Leah said, and sucked on her finger, thinking. "Naruto, I love how naïve you are. It's so cute." She turned to her current victim, and pinched his cheeks underneath the gag. "Gaara, even in your pathetic current situation, you are super hot and definitely better looking that Sasuke." Sakura's eyes flamed as she heard Leah's comment. "Shino, I have to admit, those shades kick ass." Leah had always been good at kissing up, and this was no different! "Olivia, the call you made to Kiba asking if he had gotten his rabies shot was hilarious."

Kiba jumped up. "That was you!"

Olivia shook her head. "Wow. You're quick."

Leah continued. "Neji, I derive great amusement from your silly destiny talks. They're funny. Hinata, you're super cute and should never change. Michelle, you are cool because you're in RMHS anime club with me! Kiba, the paint on your face is so cute. It looks so silly. Kankuro, the face paint thing goes for you too, but, seriously, _purple_? Is there something you're not telling us, Kankuro-san?"

Kankuro turned bright red and mumbled death threats at Leah.

"Ino, you have nice hair and you're pretty strong, but you could use a personality makeover. 'Nuff said. Sakura, you're cool because you're as smart as I am and also I'm going to cosplay as you for Otakon when I go home!"

"As smart as you?" Sakura said, "And how is _that_ a compliment?"

Leah glared. "I'll have you know I have an IQ right above the official standard for a genius! I'm really good at math, too! I'm not a Shikamaru clone, but I'm still smart, dammit!"

"Riiiiight."

"What?" Leah said, irritated, "I'm an academic genius! I just have absolutely no real-world knowledge! And I have plenty of common sense; I merely choose to ignore it!"

Sakura flipped her hair over her shoulder, saying, "Whatever."

"Now, _if I may continue_?" Leah said exaggeratedly, "Chouji, you are friendly, nice, and an advocate for pleasantly plump people everywhere! Sasuke, you aren't as hot as Gaara, but you're still pretty friggin' hot. Shikamaru, you are just awesome in every way! Anko, you are the master of prank calls. The call to Orochimaru was simply unforgettable!"

"_You prank called Orochimaru!_" all the Jounins yelled.

"Yep," Anko said with a proud smile, "One of my finest, I have to say!"

Leah shook her head. "I still can't believe he was getting a manicure. Can you say 'queer?' 'Cause I certainly can."

"Yeah, don't you ever wonder about that long hair? Or the nails? Or possibly the high pitched voice? Somehow I think his interest in Sasuke is mostly physical…" Anko said, laughing as the look on Sasuke's face became more and more horrified.

"Anko, Leah," Kurenai said, "Before we give poor Sasuke-kun a complete meltdown, might we get back on topic?"

"Oh, right!" Leah said, "Tenten, you are super cool in most ways, especially your swirly scrolly move thing. It are teh r0xx0rz!"

"What?" Tenten said.

"Oops, sorry, lapse into chatspeak there. It rocks." She turned to the last member of the circle. "Temari, you are super cool in the way that you can pwn people!"

"'Pwn?'" Temari said with a snort.

"Umm… never mind."

* * *

Shino – "Gaara, you are better at making sandcastles than anyone I know."

Gaara – twitch twitch

* * *

"Alright, now it's Olivia's turn."

"Okay. Naruto, you're funny. Gaara, you're so hot. Leah, you're just Leah. Shino, you're cool. Neji, you're cool. Hinata, you're cute. Michelle, you're Michelle. Kiba, you're a cool doggy. Kankuro, puppets rock. Ino, pigs are cute. Sakura, pink hair rocks. Chouji, you're cuddly. Sasuke, you're also hot. Shikamaru, love the hair. Lee, you're very… _open_. Anko, you pwn in general. Tenten, weapons are fun. Temari, nice fan."

"Whoa," said Michelle, "Way to describe everyone in four words or less."

"It's a gift," Olivia said.

"Bet I can beat it."

"How much?"

"Ten bucks?"

"You're on."

* * *

Neji – "Michelle, you are officially ranked second only to me in scaring the crap out of Hinata. It is a great honor!"

* * *

Hinata – "Temari, I've always admired your ability to show a boy how you feel, even if it involves hitting him with a fan."

Temari – "I do _not_ like Shikamaru, dammit!"

Olivia – "Whatever you say…"

* * *

"Now it's time for Michelle to go," Kurenai said, clearly regretting suggesting this in the first place.

"Okay. Olivia, beat this!" Michelle said, and took a breath.

* * *

Note: For silly people who read fanfiction out loud, the following should be said all in one breath.

* * *

"Naruto's nifty, Gaara's godlike, Leah's lazy, Shino's super, Olivia's original, Neji's neat, Hinata's handy, Kiba's kawaii, Kankuro's… _kool_, Ino's inefficient, Sakura's sappy, Chouji's cheery, Sasuke's sexy, Shikamaru's smart, Lee's loco, Anko's awesome, Tenten's tight, and Temari's twisted. Ha!" Michelle yelled at Olivia, "Pay up!"

"You're going down!" Olivia said, grudgingly handing Michelle the money. "I can describe everyone in three words _total_!"

"Oh, really? What might those three words be?"

"You. All. Suck."

"Now, was that a compliment?"

"I want my ten dollars back."

* * *

Kiba – "Tenten, you are super cute. You make me want to slobber all over your face."

Tenten – "…"

* * *

Kankuro – "Umm… Sakura, if you were an apple, you would be tasty."

* * *

Ino – "Chouji, you are… Pleasantly plump! There! I said it! Happy?"

* * *

Sakura – "Ino, you are like a pig. You're cute to look at, but everyone knows you don't really know what's going on, and you'll just end up as some higher organism's dinner."

* * *

Chouji – "Anko, you are super perky. You're kind of like a bug."

Anko – "I'm sorry Chouji, I missed the last part. Did you say you wanted me to kill you? Because that can be arranged."

Chouji – "Ya know what? Forget I said anything, okay?"

* * *

Sasuke – "Gaara, you are very open. That's great, but don't do it with me."

* * *

Shikamaru – "Temari, you are very on top of things. Kind of like my mother."

Temari – "Oh, um, thanks!" blushes like Hinata

Olivia – "Told you so."

* * *

Lee – "Gaara, you are very youthful! You must learn to embrace your youthfulness!"

Gaara – "Alright – I'm going to kill you this time. Youthful enough yet?"

* * *

"Alright, you're next, Anko. Try to be nice, okay?"

"Feh," Anko said, "Naruto, you are amusingly easy to freak out. Gaara, you are strong and good at staying clean. Leah, you are a genius at prank ideas, second only to me. Shino, you are a great challenge to freak out, you're all calm and collected and stuff. Olivia, you are another prank expert, and your necklace is pretty. Neji, you are a genius and stuff, but you're irritating all the same. Hinata, you are kind of a wimp, but you're sweet nonetheless. Michelle, you are wonderfully devious, a quality I like in a person! Kiba, you're good at smelling stuff, which provides me with amusement. Kankuro, your puppets are silly looking. Ino, you're not very creative, but the very little that you can do you can do decently. Sakura, you're smart, but not much else. Chouji, you are sort of round, and you're good at being a meatball. Sasuke, you're strong, but seriously, take a friggin' chill pill! Chillax, man! Shikamaru, you're a complete wimp, but you're pretty smart. Tenten, you're strong, but you have absolutely no knowledge of anything but weapons. But that's okay, because weapons are sharp and pointy, and everyone knows it's fun to play with pointy things. Temari, you are strong, but you seriously need some Pamprin. How is it that you manage to PMS twenty-four seven?"

"Anko, I think you're missing the point of this circle," Kurenai told the Tokubetsu Jounin. However, if she believed Anko was actually listening to her, she was sadly mistaken.

* * *

Tenten – "Umm, Lee, you are very enthusiastic."

Lee – "Oh, Tenten, your youthfulness is emerging! It is wonderful!"

Tenten – slap

* * *

Temari – "Umm… Shikamaru, hitting you with a fan is fun!"

* * *

Kurenai sighed. "This is not working." All circle members were back to their glaring states, and nothing seemed to stop them.

Asuma sighed as well. "I guess we'll just have to try something a bit more drastic."

* * *

A/n – See, nice and long! Maybe chapter eight will take less time, but it will most likely take more, as AP exams are in two weeks and I must study my ass off. REVIEW! 


	8. Drastic Measures: Part One

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer – Even if I told you that I _did_ own Naruto, it's not like you would believe me, right? Let's just go with what you think.

A/n – Yay! My AP United States Government exam is over! I actually think I did pretty well, too. So, now I can update a bunch since I don't need to study! And I had a really amusing bit of randomness for this chapter, but I've completely forgotten what it was, so you'll just have to deal with it until I remember! And also, if you can't find the Monty Python reference in here, you, A. are blind, B. are stupid, or C. have been living under a rock for most of the duration of your life.

And, if you're actually reading these notes, instead of just skipping to the fic, REVIEW! But you would do that anyway. Right?

* * *

Chapter Eight – Drastic Measures: Part One

* * *

"Umm…" Olivia whispered as the group was herded along by Kakashi, Kurenai, Asuma, and Gai. "Does anyone have any idea where we're going?"

"NO TALKING!" Kurenai screamed. She was clearly still upset that her idea hadn't worked and instead they were using Kakashi's idea.

"Yeah…" Leah said, "You see, I'm not so good at not talking, so I was wondering if-" She promptly shut up as a kunai thrown by Asuma whizzed past her head.

Naruto, for once, was actually being quiet. It was most likely out of terror, considering that he was walking right behind Leah and was likewise graced with the opportunity to have a pointy object zoom past him about a centimeter away from his head.

Sasuke, clearly fuming, was not at all hesitant to glare at everyone around him without letup. Indeed, within twenty minutes Sasuke was subject to about ten different mental death threats. However, being Sasuke, he continued to glare.

Michelle, being herself, as usual, was clutching the ten dollar bill that she took from Olivia and laughing manically.

"MICHELLE!" Kurenai screamed (you'd think she would have lost her voice by now, but no…), "I DO NOT PERMIT MANIACAL LAUGHTER IN MY PRESENCE! STOP!" Her screaming had no effect, and Michelle continued to laugh maniacally. "I MEAN IT! SHUT UP!" Michelle did not shut up. Finally, Kurenai simply walked up to her and snatched the money from her hands.

"What the crap! That's mine, dammit! I won it!" Michelle babbled, indignant.

Kurenai smiled evilly (because if she wasn't capable of that before, she is now!). "It's mine, now."

Michelle roared, and launched herself at Kurenai.

"Talk about overreaction," Naruto said to Temari, who was behind him, "That stupid Ero-sennin takes _my_ money all the time!"

"You're not one to talk," Sakura said from three feet to Naruto's left.

At this point, Kurenai was holding Michelle upside down from one ankle, this being possible because Michelle is super-teeny. Michelle was not pleased. "It's mine! I won it fair and square with only minimal amounts of cheating!"

"Well," Olivia said, "Technically, it's really mine because we aren't legally old enough to gamble…"

Kurenai smiled sweetly. "Well, in order to solve this disagreement between the two of you, I'll keep it for you. Does that sound fair?"

"No!" Olivia and Michelle yelled together.

Two shurikens appeared in Kurenai's hand that wasn't occupied by holding Michelle. "I asked, _does that sound fair?_"

Michelle and Olivia gulped and nodded. Michelle was dropped on her head. "Ouch! That hurt!"

However, Kurenai wasn't listening. She was too busy shoving everyone else back into their original line. The line was very similar to the circle, going from Naruto to Gaara, Leah, Shino, Olivia, Neji, Hinata, Michelle, Kiba, Kankuro, Ino, Sakura, Chouji, Sasuke, Shikamaru, Lee, Anko, Tenten, and Temari. Forget similar to the circle, it was the exact same!

"Alright, we're here!" Gai said in an annoying sing-song-y voice.

"What the crap?" Anko said, "Why are we at the 44th training zone? Chuunin exams aren't for a while!"

"Ah, you see, Anko, this has nothing to do with the exam. This is going to be your home for the next week."

"WHAT!" every single member of the group (Sasuke and Gaara included) shrieked.

"That simply cannot be possible!" Ino screeched, "What will I do about my hair!"

"Sakura-san!" Lee yelled, "Do you want to share a tree with me?"

"Eeeww! No!" Sakura yelled. She calmed instantaneously. "Sasuke-kun, do you want to share a tree with me?"

"Let me think about it," Sasuke said, "No."

"Ugh," Leah said, "A week living in a tree, with no TV, no computers, no video games… no civilization…"

"Oh, no," Kakashi said, "You're not living in trees. You're living in tents."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Leah said dryly, "A week living in a _tent_, with nothing but my Nintendo DS to occupy me…"

"Oh, wait!" Asuma said, "You can't take a DS into the Forest of Death. You'll be too distracted playing it and you'll get eaten by snakes. You'd better give it to me."

"No way!" Leah yelled, "I can see through your words! You just want to play it, don't you? You're going to waste all the batteries, and I left my charger in Rockville!"

"That's not true!" Asuma said as he yoinked Leah's DS out of her shuriken holder. "What the hell? All you've got in here are Animal Crossing and Pokemon Emerald! What's wrong with you?"

Leah sighed. "I have Metroid Prime: Hunters and Final Fantasy IV: Advance in my pocket. If I give you those to play, can I keep my cell phone?" She pulled out the little chip and the cartridge and blew into them like you do with any cartridge game.

"Deal," Asuma said as he grabbed the games and stuck them in the DS.

"You'd damn well give it back when we're done," Leah muttered, "I paid for that thing with my own money, and it was expensive."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Asuma said, clearly absorbed in the prospect of blowing up aliens with a laser gun.

The gate swung open, and Kakashi addressed the group. "The rules of this little game are simple. Once you're in, we're locking the gates behind you. When we come back for you in a week, everyone in the group must still be alive. If you are, you get to leave. If not, we leave you in the forest to rot. Or get eaten alive by tigers. Your choice."

Shikamaru sighed. "With the given group, this seems to be rather difficult. How troublesome."

"Oh, don't say that!" Anko said with an evil grin, "This will be fun for you!"

"But, Kakashi-sensei," Chouji whined, "We'll starve in there!"

Kakashi shrugged. "You've got Anko with you. We figure she knows enough about this place to hold you to some degree of survival. Not sure what degree, but, hey, where's the adventure in knowing everything?"

Naruto appeared to be in shock. "No ramen. There is no ramen in the Forest of Death. None at all. No ramen for a week. A week without ramen. I want ramen so badly. But there is no ramen. No ramen at all."

Temari smacked him with her fan. "Shut up."

Naruto was not listening. He was busy staring at Ino's hair. "Is that ramen? It looks like ramen. So tasty… must eat…" Naruto was promptly knocked out by Ino.

"Well," Gai said, gesturing towards the gate, "Get going."

The entire group slouched and trudged towards the gate. This of course excluded Naruto, who was currently having his face dragged across the ground as he was towed by his toe by Gaara's sand.

* * *

"Okay!" Anko yelled, "We're setting up camp here! Naruto, go get some firewood." Naruto, who was now conscious, complied sulkily. "Sasuke, once Naruto gets back, start a fire." Sasuke made some sort of noise that could possibly be taken as consent. "Lee and Tenten, start setting up tents." Lee and Tenten, being the enthusiastic people they are, immediately got to work. "Ino, Sakura, and Chouji, go look for food or anything that looks edible." Said three drearily trudged off into the woods. "Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro, patrol around the camp to make sure there's nothing in here that we don't want to be." In an incredible spurt of OOCness, Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro skipped off holding hands. "Shikamaru, set this thing up." Anko pulled a weird looking box out of her bag. It turned out to be one of those weird, battery powered electric outlet things. The ones that say "some assembly required" and then make you follow fifty pages of instructions just to use them. Shikamaru took it, grateful that he at least didn't have to run around. "Kiba, Hinata, Shino, and Neji, go scout around for water and the like." The four mentioned sprang into the trees, Neji significantly more reluctant than the others. "Michelle and Olivia, set up these strings of lights I brought once Shikamaru is finished with the outlet." She handed the strings to the girls.

"What about me?" Leah asked, noticing that she hadn't been mentioned yet.

"Since you're the one with a cell phone, your job is to order pizza."

"That's _it_?" Leah said, "That's not much of a job!"

Anko grinned. "Yes, but you're also the one who gets to attempt to give directions for delivery."

"I changed my mind. This seems like a lot of work. Shouldn't we make Shikamaru do this?"

"Nah. I'm having fun watching him nearly electrocute himself."

* * *

"DAMMIT!" Naruto yelled, "Kunai are not made for chopping off branches!"

"It is a test," said a voice in the forest. "You must now chop down this entire tree wiiiiiiith – a herring!"

"Chop down a tree with a herring?" Naruto yelled, "Are you mad?"

"No, that's you. _I'm_ not the one talking to invisible voices in the middle of a forest!"

"Naruto, what the hell are you doing in there?" Sasuke yelled from the campsite.

"Sorry, but sawing off these branches takes a while! Even when I'm not using a herring!"

"Using a herring?" Sasuke yelled again, clearly questioning Naruto's sanity, "Where the hell did that come from?"

"Umm… Never mind."

"And why are you sawing off branches? Just bring sticks!"

"Ohh…" Naruto said, "Right."

* * *

"Come on, Tenten-chan!" Lee yelled annoyingly, "Setting up tents faster will preserve our youth!"

"Lee," Tenten said warningly, "I am about one centimeter away from using this tent pole as a staff and breaking your skull. Are we on the same page here?"

* * *

"I'm hungry…" Chouji complained for the umpteenth time.

Ino grew all big and scary-like. "THAT'S WHY WE'RE LOOKING FOR FOOD, IDIOT!"

Sakura was not paying attention. "I wonder how Sasuke-kun is doing… Why couldn't I be gathering sticks and Naruto looking for food?"

* * *

"HO HO HO, HA HA HA, AND A COUPLE OF TRA LA LA'S! THAT'S HOW WE LAUGH THE DAY AWAY IN THE MERRY OLD LAND OF OZ!"

Temari and Kankuro, still caught by the OOC-bug, were singing at the top of their lungs. Gaara suspected they were high, but went along with them any way over his excitement of maybe getting to kill something!

Kankuro giggled like a six-year-old girl who just got a new pony for her Barbie to ride. "LOOK, A HOBO! LET'S BEAT HIM UP!"

Gaara raised the section of his forehead where an eyebrow would have been at Kankuro. "That's a log. What have you been smoking?"

"A DOG?" Temari shrieked, "WHERE? I WANNA PUPPY!"

Gaara shook his head. "You've been sniffing stuff, haven't you? That's the last time I ever let you near _my_ sand."

"SAND?" Kankuro squealed, "ARE WE AT THE BEACH? LET'S BUILD A SANDCASTLE!" He grabbed Gaara. "I'LL BE THE KING AND YOU CAN BE THE QUEEN!"

"OOH!" Temari said, "I WANNA BE A PRETTY PRINCESS AND RIDE PRETTY UNICORNS!"

Gaara collapsed to the ground, clutching his head. _Why me?

* * *

_

"Oww!" Shikamaru yelled after being shocked for the ninth or tenth time.

"Hey, Shikamaru, are you done yet?" Olivia yelled.

"No!"

"Well, then, hurry up!"

"Maybe," he told the girls, "You could come help instead of telling me to hurry up?"

"Nah," Michelle said, "That would take _way_ to much effort."

* * *

"Yes, this is the Konoha Pizza Hut, how may I help you?"

"Umm, hi, I'd like to order three large pepperoni pizzas and three large cheese pizzas, for delivery," Leah said, awkward on the phone as she is.

"Alright, what name is it under?"

"Umm… it's under," Leah looked up, "Mitarashi Anko."

"Okay… and what will the delivery address be?"

_And now for the hard part,_ Leah thought with an inner sigh. "Umm… you guys know where the 44th training area is, right? We're kinda sorta somewhere in the middle of the forest, so we've got lots of lights, so you should be able to find it. Right?"

"Alright, your pizza will be there in about an hour."

Leah hung up the phone and turned to Anko. "Now the only other question is, who's paying?"

Anko smiled. "Oh, I think you can guess."

Realization passed over Leah's face, and she grinned. "Oh. Of course."

* * *

About an hour and a half later, all members of the wayward group had finished eating their pizza and were relaxing around their campsite. Naruto was still sulking over his emptied wallet after being made to pay for the pizzas. Anko turned to Neji and Tenten, who were sitting near her. "You two are older, right?" She waved the bottle she was sipping at around. "Want sake? 'S good!"

"Umm… Anko-sensei…" Tenten said, "We're underage…"

"Ehh, whatever! We're in the middle of the forest!"

Neji glanced around to make sure no one was watching, then yoinked the bottle from Anko. "I want some."

Anko nodded. "See, Tenten, you have to grow up sometime!"

* * *

Late that night, Anko and several others poked their heads into Leah, Michelle, and Olivia's tent.

"What is it?" Olivia mumbled, "It's the middle of the night…"

"Everyone get up, run, and hide!" Tenten said frantically.

"What happened?" Michelle asked.

"Well…" Anko said, "My sake bottle is missing, and I can't find Lee."

* * *

A/n – I'm sure you can all see where this is going. Chapter nine should be up pretty soon. REVIEW! 


	9. Drastic Measures: Part Two

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, there would be a much greater variety of pointy objects to play with.

A/n – Sorry for the super long wait and the not very long chapter! I've had bunches of essays, testing, and other crap, so I've got not very much time……… But I'll try to update faster. Once the school year ends, updates will be at least twice a week. Also, there are author powers and a teeny-tiny reference to one of my other fics in here. But just minor author powers. Omnipotent characters are annoying.

And, now, the serious A/n – In no means do I support underage drinking. It's really a very stupid thing to do. Also, alcohol tastes bad. That should be reason enough.

* * *

And, now for todays very short bit of randomness:

Leah hates dubbed anime.

* * *

Chapter Nine: Drastic Measures: Part Two

Tipsy Lee and The Forest of Swirly Things

* * *

"Yes, Gai-sensei, I am burning with the fire of youth!" Lee yelled at the tree in front of him.

"Anko-san?" Leah whispered, "How long do we have to cram in here for?"

"You can go find another hiding place anytime you want," Anko replied, "But you'll have to get around _him_."

"Okay," Leah said, "Then I'll take Gaara-chan with me to keep me safe!"

"No way!" Olivia protested, "I'm not letting you hog Gaara again! I'm coming too!"

Leah shrugged. "Meh. Whatever." She and Olivia each grabbed one of Gaara's arms, and jumped out of the tree.

As it would happen, they fell right in front of where Lee was standing! "Whash da hell yoush wansh?" Lee said drunkenly and stumbled towards them, his fists up.

"EEEEE!" Leah and Olivia screeched, "GAARA-CHAN, PROTECT US!" They immediately clung to Gaara's sides.

Gaara raised his hand, and Leah and Olivia went flying into the trees and landed rather roughly. "That protected enough for you?" he yelled at them.

"Wheee!" Leah yelled. "Throw me again, Gaara-chan! Again!"

"Come to think of it, I think Leah's drunk, too…" Anko whispered to Tenten, who rolled her eyes.

"She didn't drink anything. I think she's just high off Gaara. Olivia too."

Anko rolled her eyes in turn. "Stupid fangirls."

"I'm all diiiiiiizzy!" Lee whined, and turned into the bushes and threw up.

Suddenly, a dart came out of the trees and hit Lee in the neck. He collapsed, unconscious.

"I knew this thing would come in handy!" Leah said, holding her magic-fangirl crossbow that she took on her frequent visits to Tortall! Using her super-special author powers, Leah made the bow disappear.

"What the crap," Gaara said.

"My feelings exactly," Neji added.

"Feh," Leah said, "At least he's not bothering us anymore, right?"

"So the ends justify the means?"

"Yeah, basically."

* * *

A/n – I think anyone who regularly reads fanfiction should have seen this next part coming. Be forewarned of the clichés.

* * *

"We should play a game!" Michelle said out of the blue about ten minutes later. "Let's play Truth or Dare!"

"Nah…" Temari said, "I've done that way too many times by now."

"No, no, baka Michelle!" Leah said, "We should play I've Never! And we even have sake to play it with!"

"Baka? You _did_ say baka, didn't you?" Michelle said, indignant.

"Regardless, I like Leah's idea. Only, let's just say that Lee isn't allowed to play," Olivia put in. "So, if you pass out, you lose and have to do a dare. Sound good?"

"Works for me," Temari said.

"Alright," Anko said, taking charge, as usual. "Everyone but Lee, get in a circle." All present obeyed.

"Okay, I'll start," said Michelle, who was clearly over her earlier insult. "I've never… wanted to put an axe through an electronic device." Not surprisingly, Shikamaru drank to that. Remarkably, Leah drank as well.

She saw everyone's strange looks, and clarified. "Dubbed anime. 'Nuff said."

Sitting next to Michelle was Olivia. "Okay… I've never… eaten a bee."

As was most likely expected, Kiba and Akamaru took a sip. As expected from her, Anko also drank. No one asked questions. Somehow, the picture of Anko eating a bee was not that strange.

Next came Temari. She glanced over at Naruto. "I've never had the hots for someone over thirty years older than me." Naruto went beet red and drank, clearly remembering the first time he glanced at Tsunade. No one else drank.

After Temari was Gaara. "I've never kissed a girl…" he said with slight embarrassment.

"WANNA CHANGE THAT?" Leah and Olivia squealed. Gaara ignored them.

Around the circle, Naruto, Neji, and Shikamaru drank again. No one knew who Neji or Shikamaru were with, but Naruto was pretty obvious, judging by the color of Hinata's face. However, Temari drank as well, bringing up a bit of shock and quite a few giggles.

"Don't ask. I was drunk," Temari said with a humongous blush.

Sitting next to Gaara was Shikamaru. "I've never gone all the way," he said, clearly thinking of a way to get this over with as fast as possible. Considering her age, no one was shocked that Anko drank, and there was not much surprise when Kankuro drank as well. However, as the cups in front of Tenten and Neji were emptied, people began to stare.

"S-so…" Hinata, remarkably was first to speak, "Neji-niisan, how far does your relationship with Tenten-san go?"

Tenten turned beet red, and subconsciously grabbed Neji's arm. "That's not something you need to hear."

* * *

A/n – Yes, I love Neji X Tenten fics. They're so cute.

* * *

Hinata was next in the circle. Clutching the strings on her jacket, she said, "Umm… I've never… gotten so drunk that I passed out."

Unremarkably, Anko and Temari drank. Everyone assumed that the latter was from the aforementioned incident.

Sitting next to Hinata and holding her hand, much to Kiba's annoyance, was Naruto. "Well… I've never been glomped by a fangirl," he said, clearly targeting the bishies among them.

Noticing his implication, Gaara, Sasuke, Kiba, Neji, and Shikamaru flushed and downed their shots. Leah and Olivia were intent on Gaara, clearly making sure he was acknowledging their existences in his fandom.

The circle continued, until it finally came to Leah. Nearly every participant, excluding her, Olivia, Michelle, and Hinata, was very, very drunk. Being her devious self, Leah decided to get them all in one go. "Um… I've never actually preformed the Henge no Jutsu," she said, figuring most of them would have to drink to that, the simple technique it was. Every ninja in the circle took a swig, and in about ten seconds, most were out cold. The previously mentioned four were alright, and Anko and Temari were still in. Given their experiences, we'll just have to assume that they're pretty good at holding their liquor.

"So," Michelle said, "What shall we have them do?"

"The forest is swiiiiiirly…" said the very drunk Anko.

The drunken Temari turned to Lee, who was not in the circle. "You're pretty hot… make out with me?" she asked before collapsing against a tree. "It iiiiis swiiiiiirly…."

Leah leaned back against another tree. "Well, the dare can wait till tomorrow," she said, and promptly fell asleep.

"Good idea," yawned Olivia, and joined Leah in dreamland.

No one else being awake and/or sober, Michelle went to sleep as well. It was better than being bored.

* * *

A/n – I know I should work on my romancy fic, but you know, I have to be in the right mood to write mushy-emo Kiba-ness. Ya know, like the angsty romancy stuff? It's hard. This is easier. Okies, on to my normal message: REVIEWS MAKE LEAH UPDATE FASTER! 


	10. Drastic Measures: Part Three

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer – I own no Naruto-ness.

A/n – Sorry for the loooooooong wait. I've been really busy. This chapter is dedicated to my friend Sam, who knows nothing about Naruto or any other anime, but I felt like giving her a cameo. In other news, this is the first fic I've written that made it to chapter ten! We should have a party!

A/n – I also apologize for the severe Lee-bashing taking place in this chapter. Don't take it seriously. Lee kicks ass. As well as Sakura. Her character is awesome, but she's ridiculous when it comes to Sasuke. SUPPORT NARUxSAKU, DAMMIT! Mehehe. Then I can take Sasuke all for myself.

-----------

Chapter Ten – Drastic Measures: Part Three

"My head hurts…" Naruto whined.

It was bright and early the next morning, marking the start of the group's second day in the Forest of Death!

"Anko-sensei, didn't you bring hangover medicine?" Tenten moaned, one hand clutching her head and the other clutching Neji's… hand. Yes. His hand. His very, very, large hand. Wanna see him shoot Chakra through that? We bet you do.

"What are you complaining about, Tenten-chan?" Lee said, "Being hung-over is not very youthful!"

"I agree, Lee-san!" Sasuke said, "I feel as if I am burning with the fires of my youth now!"

"Sasuke-kun!" Lee said, hugging Sasuke, "You are truly youthful!"

"Oh no!" Anko said, "Sasuke's got… Leeitis!"

"Wait… Leeitis?" Leah said, confused. "Umm… since tendonitis is inflammation of the tendons, appendicitis is inflammation of the appendix, and bronchitis is inflammation of the brontosaurus…"

"Inflammation of the brontosaurus?" Olivia asked with raised eyebrows.

Leah ignored her, and continued. "That would mean… Leeitis is the… inflammation of the Lee? What the crap?"

"My thoughts exactly," Michelle concurred.

The others were not listening to Team 7.5's semi-rational discussion. They were too busy running around and trying to make masks out of leaves. You never know, Leeitis might be contagious!

"Yes!" Lee shouted, "Running around and playing with leaves is very youthful!"

"Stay away from us!" Ino yelled.

"Somehow," Leah commented, "I knew this was going to happen."

------------

Three hours later, the remaining members of the semi-sane group had made a base in the central tower. Sasuke and Lee had run off somewhere or another. With them they took Sakura, who did not seem to notice the contagion due to the fact that she was being dragged off by her precious Sasuke-kun.

Leah sat on one of the tower benches, her trusty cell phone in hand. Due to the panic and the presence of the Lee virus, she called the first person in her directory, just for the hell of it.

Ring, ring, went the phone.

"Hello?" went the voice on the other end.

"Hi Sam!" said Leah, "So, you see, I'm stuck in a forest with a bunch of maniacs and hot boys, do you think you could check my email for me?"

"Leah?" Sam said, "What are you doing in a forest?"

"Long story."

----------------

"Look, Sakura-san, we're at a cave!" Lee shouted. Lee is rather talented at stating the obvious.

"Umm… yes, that's wonderful, Lee-san," Sakura said, still staring at Sasuke.

"Yes, it is wonderful!" the poor infected Sasuke exclaimed, and promptly glomped Sakura.

Sakura promptly fainted.

-------------------

Meanwhile, the tower base was in chaos. Not that this was unexpected.

"Ramen! Ramen!" Naruto screeched as he repeatedly tried to eat Ino's hair.

"Die, Naruto! Die, Naruto!" Ino screeched as she repeatedly punched our little blond ninja.

"Gaara-kun! Gaara-kun!" Leah and Olivia screeched as they repeatedly glomped said redhead.

"Get off! Get off!" Gaara screeched as he repeatedly tried (and failed) to fend off the glomps.

"WTF? WTF?" Michelle screeched as she stared at the scene.

"Troublesome! Troublesome!" Shikamaru screeched (well, not really screeched, more like muttered, but we're working with parallel structure here) as everyone else was an idiot.

"SILENCE, MORTALS!" Anko screeched.

"Hai, Anko-sensei…" said the dejected and now quiet group.

-------------------

Okay, I know it's short. But it's been so long since I've posted, I wanted to get something up there.

Also, I think this fic is due for AN OMAKE CHAPTER! I have an idea I wanted to write for this fic, but it doesn't quite fit with the storyline.


	11. SUPER Omake 1

Not Another Ninja!

SUPER Omake #1 – Unexpected Changes

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"I'm bored," said Olivia.

"Me too," said Michelle.

"Umm…" said Leah, "Let's have a party!"

"Ano… Leah-san… why are we having a tea party in the training grounds?"

"Aaah, but Hinata-san, I thought you would be good at these sorts of things!"

Yes, that's right. The Rookie Nine, the Gai-lings, the Sand siblings, the three girls, several teachers, and some other ninja (even those who would never have been there in a non-omake chapter, that's right, there's some dead people here too!) were having a tea party! It was also sort of a picnic!

As Leah and Hinata made light conversation, Shizune, Naruto, Anko, Olivia, and Michelle had thought up the _ultimate_ prank. And thus they went around putting some little powder Shizune had provided into some certain ninjas' tea, including Sasuke, Sakura, Ino, Neji, Lee, Kankuro, Kakashi, Kurenai, Asuma, Gai, Iruka, Jiraiya, Orochimaru, Tsunade, and Haku.

"Wait… what was that?" Leah asked as they finished.

Shizune grinned. Who knew she was this mischievous? "A little surprise."

Leah used her super-duper deductive reasoning skills. "Well… I know you weren't spiking their drinks since you included Lee, and it's nothing good because you skipped certain people. What is it?"

Naruto grinned even wider. He looked so cute that even the Kyuubi would be all "Aww!" "You'll see in the morning."

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Haha! A cliffy in an omake, who would have thought! Want to see what the _ultimate_ prank really is? You'll have to wait for the next omake, then! Buhahaha!


	12. Drastic Measures: Part Four

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer – Naruto stuffies are not Leah's. Neither is the other random stuff that she puts in here.

A/n – DAMN YOU NARUTO ANIME! The filler was supposed to be over now, but sob IT ISN'T! But is it just me, or is this filler arc slightly better than the others? Or have our standards for Naruto just gone through the complete bottom?

Chapter Eleven – Drastic Measures: Part Four

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"SIEGE!"

"Shut up, idiot! This is supposed to be an ambush! How can we ambush them if you're busy screaming!"

"Well, you're not one to talk!"

"Well, neither are you!"

"Both of you shut up before I stab you!"

"What if we stab you first?"

"All three of you shut up before I crush you in sand!"

"KAGE MANE NO JUTSU!"

Naruto, Leah, Ino, and Gaara stopped in their tracks, Leah still retaining enough control to flip Shikamaru off before she completely fell into his technique.

"As if this weren't troublesome enough."

Noticing the sand swirling around him, Shikamaru had enough common sense to release Gaara from his shadow. This was definitely a good move.

"Now, now, children," Anko said in a very adult like way, however OOC it was for her, "We need to calm down, ne?"

Leah glared at Anko.

Anko glared back. "Now, is that very mature?"

"I've got the cell phone."

"Dammit, you're right. Shikamaru, let her go."

"No."

Anko walked up to our favorite little genius chuunin. "I'm sorry, I must have heard you wrong," she said sweetly, fingering a kunai, "I'm certain you just said, 'Of course, Anko-sensei, I will do anything you say, because if I don't, I am liable to be stabbed in my sleep.' That is what you said, correct?"

Shikamaru gulped, and released his jutsu.

Anko patted his head. "Good boy."

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"Sasuke-kun, where are we going?"

"Oh, Sakura-san, your search for knowledge is truly youthful! I deeply approve!"

Had it been anyone but Sasuke speaking, Sakura would be sweatdropping like crazy.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun! The flames of your youth have truly exploded! I feel so honored to know you!"

"LEE-SAN!"

"SASUKE-KUN!"

Our two very youthful shinobi hugged each other, and started anime-crying in a very dramatic manner.

Sakura only stared. Then blinked. Then glomped both the boys.

'YOU ARE SO RIGHT, I FEEL MORE YOUTHFUL THAN EVER!"

The Lee virus had struck again!

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"MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME, IT'S O-S-C-A-R! MY BOLOGNA HAS A SECOND NAME, IT'S M-E-Y-E-R! I LIKE TO EAT IT EVERY DAY, AND IF YOU ASK ME WHY I'LL SAAAAAAAAAAAY! 'CAUSE OSCAR MEYER HAS A WAY WITH B-O-L-O-G-N-A!"

"SHUT UP!"

"But I'm bored!"

"Would you rather be dead?"

"….I'm not bored anymore."

"Good! Problem solved!"

Everyone crowded around in shock. Anko had actually solved a problem! One in a row! It's a new record!

Thirty seconds later, Naruto started humming the same song.

"SHUT UP!" Anko screamed, then went dead silent. "DAMMIT! YOU GOT IT STUCK IN MY HEAD!"

Soon everyone in the group was infected! No matter what they did, they couldn't stop thinking about the bologna song!

Soon, Leah got annoyed, and whipped out THE ALL POWERFUL CELL PHONE!

She went onto her wireless internet, and downloaded quality and definitely completely legal music!

Turning her volume up all the way, she turned a song on and sang along in her… amazing… singing voice!

"I CAN'T FEEL THE WAY I DID BEFORE! DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME! I WON'T BE IGNORED! TIME WON'T HEAL THIS DAMAGE ANYMORE! DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME! I WON'T BE IGNOOOOOOORED!"

"AAAAAAAH!" everyone screamed as they were exposed to the pain that is Leah trying to sing. They promptly forgot all about the bologna song.

"You see?" Leah said, putting the phone away, "I am definitely a genius!"

"I think I'll be deaf for eternity…" Olivia mumbled.

"Would you rather sing a silly commercial jingle about processed meat products for eternity?"

"…Point taken."

----------------------------------------------------

((A/n – I'm sure you know this tune ))

"I FEEL YOUTHFUL! OH SO YOUTHFUL! I FEEL YOUTHFUL, AND YOUTHFUL, AND GAY!"

Sakura, Sasuke, and Lee were dancing in a clearing, singing at the top of their lungs, when the cell phone that Sakura apparently had all along rang.

"_Sakura, are you there? It's Leah!"_

"Leah-san! Are you feeling youthful as well?"

"_No, I'm not fee- Wait. Did you just ask me if I was feeling youthful?"_

"Of course! We should all be feeling youthful! We are in the springtime of our youth! We are as youthful as youthful can be!"

"_Holy crap, you've caught it too, haven't you! Don't come near me! Hang up! The virus might spread through the phone!"_

Sakura was immediately hung up on.

Sakura started crying dramatically. "Sasuke-kun! Lee-san! They are so un-youthful! They will not embrace our youthfulness!"

Sasuke put a comfortingly youthful arm around Sakura's shoulders. "You know what we must do, do you not?"

"Yes," said Lee, "We must lay siege to their fortress!"

"YES!" Sakura shouted, "WE SHALL GIVE THEM YOUTHFULNESS, OR WE SHALL GIVE THEM DEATH!"

The three youthful shinobi started cackling in an incredibly evil yet still youthful way.

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Across the forest from the cackling maniacs, our still vaguely sane friends were setting up a fort to defend themselves from the Lee virus. Anko was barking out orders, Leah was eating a Hostess' Cupcake that was stuffed in with her kunai and shuriken, Olivia was staring into space, Shikamaru was staring at the clouds, Michelle was yelling at Shikamaru, the Sand siblings were standing around doing nothing, Naruto was whining that he didn't have ramen, Ino was complaining that only Sakura got to spend time with Sasuke, Chouji was snacking, Kiba and Akamaru were chasing butterflies, Shino was standing around while bugs swarmed around him, Hinata was trying to console Naruto, Neji was mumbling about how his clothes were dirty, and Tenten was mumbling about how Neji was unwilling to let her play with his hair. All in all, there was chaos at the fort.

"Hey, I've got an idea!" Leah said, "Michelle, where's our prank call list?"

Michelle sighed. "Is now really the right time?"

"No, silly! There was someone I wanted to call!"

Michelle sighed. "Fine." She passed Leah the paper.

Leah took the paper, and dialed a number into her phone.

"_Hello?"_ said the voice on the other end.

"Hey, I was wondering if you could maybe pop down to the Forest of Death for a bit? We need a bit of help."

"Whatever."

Two minutes later, a certain Yamato-taicho poofed in front of everyone. Anko went and spoke quietly with him, and after a minute, he turned, did his little build-a-house jutsu to make a pre-made fort, then poofed away.

"Convenient, ne?"

---------------------------------------------

A/n – Yay! Eleven chapters! Next Chapter: The Siege!

REVIEW!


	13. Drastic Measures: Part Five

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer – I don't own Naruto, nor do I own Meow Mix, nor do I own Monty Python. But if I did, I obviously would not be writing a disclaimer.

A/n – Is it just me, or do I actually update more when I'm in school? Weird, ne? Also, it seems that the "Drastic Measures" arc is stretching out quite a while. Would anyone like me to wrap it up? Keep in mind that we're only on day three out of seven!

A/n – There is a quote in here that I stole from English class. You won't recognize it. I guarantee it. Also, note the changed edition of the Meow Mix song. My creative genius mind made up the other verses XD

A/n – This chapter is dedicated to Steve Irwin. It should have been a crocodile.

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And for today's random bit of randomness…

Is a stereo still a stereo if it only has one speaker?

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Chapter 12 – Drastic Measures: Part Five

"Yes, convenient is a good word to use."

The fort was equipped with pointy sticks on the walls, an actual roof, a tower with windows, and various other things that you can use your imagination to fill in!

"I'VE GOT DIBS ON THE TOWER!" Leah, Michelle, and Olivia yelled simultaneously.

"Stop speaking in all caps!" Anko ordered, "You freak me out and make me think that you're feeling 'youthful' too!"

"But I _am_ feeling youthful!" Olivia said. Everyone backed away from her. "Whaaat? I was just kidding!"

Naruto wiped sweat from his head. "Don't scare us like that. You scare us enough as it is."

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About half a mile away, Team Youth was sitting under a tree, giggling youthfully.

"So, what is our plan to bring youthfulness to our fellows?" a youthful Sakura asked a youthful Sasuke.

"I do not know, Sakura-san!" replied our youthful Uchiha.

"We shall attack their fortress and bring youthfulness through the cracks in their walls!" Lee declared.

"YOSH!" Sasuke and Sakura yelled, and the three of them scampered off.

Back at the fort, a strangely dressed person had appeared!

"Hi there!" he said, "My name is Bill, and I will be your tour guide today! Now, this forest is a very educational place, so…"

"AAAH! A TOUR GUIDE!" Leah yelled, and promptly peppered Bill with kunai. Noticing the pointy objects flying around, Tenten excitedly joined suit. Soon, Bill collapsed.

"Hooray, he's gone!" Leah yelled.

Soon, a man with a cart came to take Bill's body.

"Wait!" said Bill, "I'm not _quite_ dead."

"What?"

"What's that?"

"He say's he's not dead!"

"I can't take him like that," said the cart man, "It's against regulations!"

And so the argument went on for several minutes until Neji got fed up and Juken'd Bill to death.

"Okay, that'll be ten bucks."

"No."

And thus another argument brewed.

Shikamaru ignored them. _I like clouds… sometimes it is cloudy… lightning is in clouds… electricity is in lightning… power strips use electricity…._ Yes, Shikamaru was completely off in space.

"I'm _not_ giving you ten bucks to haul off a dead guy!" Neji yelled.

"Hey, not my fault, it's company policy!"

"_Company policy!"_ Neji growled, his hands lit up with Chakra.

"Ya know what?" the cart man said, "I won't charge you. Special first-time deal."

"Smart man," Neji muttered.

The cart man threw Bill onto the cart, and they poofed off into the distance.

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"Sakura-san, are you ready?"

"Yes, Lee-san! I will go at your signal!"

Lee and his two new followers were hiding in the trees outside of the fort.

"Lee-san, what is our plan?"

"We shall burst youthfully through the walls of their fort! Then, you and Sakura-san shall capture as many youthful comrades as possible so that we may educate them in the ways of youth!"

"Yes, that plan is wonderful, Lee-san!" Sasuke declared, "I think it is so amazing, that we should induce in a rendition of a song!"

"Oh, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura and Lee said simultaneously, "What a grand idea!"

And, thus they sang.

_I want chicken!_

_I want liver!_

_Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver!_

_Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!_

_I want tuna!_

_I want bacon!_

_Meow Mix, Meow Mix, get it shakin'!_

_Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!_

Sasuke jumped into the center for a solo.

_I want chocolate!_

_I want peanuts!_

_Meow Mix, Meow Mix, just suck my-_

"Sasuke-kun!" Lee gasped, "That is not a very youthful thing to say!"

"You're right, Lee-san!" Sasuke said, then started anime-crying in shame.

"OH, POOR SASUKE-KUN!" Sakura and Lee said, and they promptly started crying along with our severely wacked-out Uchiha. Waves crashed in a conveniently placed sunset-ocean backdrop.

"I AM SORRY!" Sasuke cried, "I HAVE RUINED OUR YOUTHFUL SONG!"

"THAT IS ALRIGHT, SASUKE-KUN!" Sakura told him.

"YES, THAT IS TRUE! WE SHALL JUST SING ANOTHER ONE!"

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Not far from the choral chaos that was taking place, the uninfected shinobi ran through various possible cures to the Lee virus.

"But, Naruto, I bet if you kissed Sasuke again, he would snap out of it!" Kiba insisted.

"For the last time, that was an ACCIDENT!"

"But what about the second time?"

"There _was_ no second time!"

"That's not what _I_ heard."

Naruto sighed. The villagers had it in for him, didn't they? What with first labeling him as a monster…. And now labeling him as Sasuke's secret homosexual lover…. He really needed to get Hinata to make out with him in public.

He grabbed said girlfriend and planted a kiss on her lips, which she returned. He then let go and turned to Kiba, who was staring as Naruto made out with his honorary little sister. "See? _Definitely_ not gay! Believe it!" At the last two words, Leah began to attempt to rip her hair out.

Recovering from the ever-so-irritating phrase usage, Leah rose to voice her idea. "What _I_ think will work, at least for Sasuke, is _way_ better than what any of you guys think!"

"Well, what is it?" Anko asked.

"This," Leah said simply, and pulled out her omnipotent ninja phone directory. She pointed out one specific number to Anko and everyone else that was looking on.

"Ooh. That's mean," Anko said with a wince, "I approve."

"Who is it? Who is it?" Naruto asked from his position ten feet away.

Leah brought the paper over to him, and pointed out the number of which she spoke.

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_Uchiha Itachi, Akatsuki Clubhouse Phone………………………………………893-203-9302_

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"_No!_" Naruto yelled, "No, no, _no!_"

Gaara walked over to see what the baka of blonds was complaining about. He looked at where Leah pointed.

"_No!_" Naruto and Gaara yelled, "No, no, _no!_"

"Oh, Naruto, don't be such a pansy!" Leah said, and turned to the other complainer. "Don't worry, Gaara-kun, I won't let him get you! You're mine, not his!"

"HEY!" Olivia exclaimed, outraged, "How dare you claim Gaara-kun all for yourself!"

"Gomen, Olivia," Leah said meekly, "He's _ours_, not Itachi's."

"Meh," said Michelle, "He probably wouldn't agree to come anyway."

Leah shrugged. "That's why we have bait."

Naruto ran and hid.

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A/n – Haha, another chapter already! Hope you like. Coming up next – Sasuke's Cure? Maybe! You'll just have to wait and see! Mwehehehehehheheheheh!


	14. Drastic Measures: Part Six

Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer – I don't own Naruto. But if I did, I would stuff Sasuke and Itachi into a small room, and whichever one survived could be my super-smexy manual labor.

A/n – Have you noticed that almost every time we come upon the infected ninja, they are singing? Is singing very youthful? I used to be in chorus…. Does that mean I have Leeitis?

A/n – Oooh. Chapter 13. Only 2 more chapters until the milestone of 15 chapters! We must celebrate that chapter to come.

And do you know how?

No?

Want me to tell you?

Too bad!

It's a surprise!

You'll find out in chapter 15!

Or will it be in the 15th entry?

Do omakes count as chapters?

Review with opinions, of course!

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Chapter 13 – Drastic Measures: Part Six

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"Ah, Naruto-kun!" Lee said happily, "Have you chosen to join us?"

"HIDE ME!" Naruto yelled.

"Are we playing hide and seek, Naruto-kun?" Sakura asked.

"Yes, we should play hide and seek! That game is very youthful!" Sasuke said joyfully.

Naruto backed away slowly. "Sasuke," he said very slowly, "They are sending Itachi. Do you get it?"

"Itachi?" Sasuke said, "Who is this Itachi? Is he a fellow youthful shinobi?" Sasuke did starry eyes at the thought of more ninja converted to the ways of youth.

Naruto freaked out. Sasuke had _seriously_ lost his mind! "Listen, Sasuke. Itachi. I-ta-chi! Scary mass-murdering man of questionable sexuality! Is coming! Here! Soon!"

Sasuke began to cry dramatically. "This Itachi-san sounds so unyouthful! It is so sad!"

"Oh, Sasuke-kun!" Lee said, crying as well, "We can help him to regain his youth!"

"Yes!" said Sakura, "We shall help this Itachi-kun return to the springtime of youth!"

"Sasuke…" Naruto said, "Itachi is your brother. _Brother_. The _brother _who you are obsessed with killing."

Sasuke gasped. "Naruto-kun! I would never do such an unyouthful thing!"

Naruto gaped. Sasuke had _completely_ forgotten about his revenge, and now, he was saying "Naruto-kun." This was surely a sign of the apocalypse!

"What's wrong, Naruto-kun?" Sasuke asked as Naruto twitched, flamed, and frothed. Our little Kyuubi boy ran back to the fort with a flaming red tail between his legs.

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"He's baaaaack," Michelle announced to the base.

"Grrrowrrrowrr," growled the Kyuubi-possessed Naruto.

"Naruto, I don't speak rabid-animal," Anko informed him, "Speeeeaaaak huuuuuuumaaaaan."

"Sensei, human isn't a language," Shikamaru informed her.

"Oh, really?" Anko asked in a deathly sweet voice that only Anko could do, "Are you sure about that?"

Shikamaru subconsciously slid backward. "No, I'm definitely wrong. You're always right."

"Gooood Shika-kun."

Shikamaru shuddered. When Anko thought of a pet name for you, you were pretty screwed.

"Wait!" Leah said, "I have an idea!" She grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen. She drew something. "Naaaaaruuuuutoooooo… loooooook…. It's ramen…. Don't you want it?"

Naruto instantly looked up, and grabbed the paper. It turned to ashes. "Rrrrrrrrramen gggggggone," he growled, "Naruto aaaaaangry!"

As Naruto charged at her, Leah pulled out a trusty well-remembered remote control-like device.

Naruto suddenly stopped. "Sasuke is the sexiest thing on this planet!" he declared, "And I got his first kiss! I'm the luckiest boy on earth!" He clapped his hands over his mouth in horrific surprise.

Anko took this opportunity to thoroughly cocoon Naruto in rope. She picked up the bound blond and threw him in a bag.

"You can stay there until you calm down," she told him.

"Mmmph!" Naruto said.

Leah looked at Michelle, who nodded. She snuck up on Gaara, grabbed his wallet, and ran off into the forest. Gaara twitched, then chased after her.

"What was the point of _that_?" Temari asked, eyebrows raised

"Weeell," Leah said, "If he's here, he'll probably break my phone."

"This is true."

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In a luxury lounge hidden inside a cave, the phone rang. A certain blue guy with a freakin' huge sword picked it up.

"Hello?"

"_Umm… hello? Is this Itachi?"_

"No, this is not Itachi! This is Kisame! Are you deaf!"

"_Hmm… you're right. You couldn't be Itachi. You don't have a sexy enough voice."_

Kisame's head was covered with tick marks. "Look, what do you want?"

"_I _want_ to talk to Itachi! Put him on!"_

Kisame sighed, and put the phone on the table. "Itachi-san, it's for you."

"Was it a fangirl?" Itachi asked suspiciously. They called him _far_ too much.

"I dunno. Maybe. I didn't hear any squeals. Just pick it up."

"_Fine_," Itachi said huffily, and took the phone.

"_Itaaaachiiiiii…. We needs you…"_

Itachi freaked. "For the last time, Smeagol, my ring is not the one ring!"

"_What? Smeagol? It's not Smeagol!"_

"Well, then who is it?"

"_It's Leah the deviously evil authoress, of course!"_

Itachi blinked and said nothing.

"_Whaaat? You've never heard of me?"_

"…"

"_Well, that's not the point. We've got a favor to ask you."_

"If it involves bunshin and fangirls, then-"

"_I don't even want to know where that came from. It doesn't."_

"That's good."

"_Look, we were wondering if you could pop down to Konoha for a little while. It involves scaring the crap out of your little brother."_

Itachi immediately perked up. "That sounds like fun. But am I going to get paid?"

"_No."_

"Then I'm not coming."

"…_..Naruto and Gaara are here."_

"…..I'll be there soon."

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"Did it work?"

"I think so."

"Score."

"Rrrowrr."

"Shut up, Naruto."

"Is it lunchtime yet?"

"You shut up too, Chouji."

Leah sighed. Chaos was all well and good, but it was a bit much right now.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, a man in a black cloudy cloak showed up.

"Geez, took you long enough!" Leah complained, "You're a freakin' ninja! You should move faster!" Leah was treated to several death glares.

"Alright, where do I go?" Itachi asked blandly.

"That way," Anko pointed. Itachi went.

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"I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS, THERE THEY ARE A-STANDING IN A ROW! BIG ONES, SMALL ONES, SOME AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD, JUST GIVE 'EM A TWIST, A FLICK OF THE WRIST, THAT'S WHAT THE SHOWMAN SAID!"

The three happily youthful friends were singing and dancing around in a circle. They felt so youthful.

Itachi, who was hiding behind a tree, raised an eyebrow. This went past the lines of weird and well into the realm of severely disturbing.

"Oh, Lee-san!" Sasuke exclaimed, "I believe there is a fellow youth hiding in these trees!"

"Oh, Sasuke-kun!" Lee said, "That is so wonderful! Let us go find them!"

"…" said Itachi.

Sasuke walked over to his hiding place. Calmly, he stepped out and did the menacing-and-condescending-glare-that-only-Itachi-can-do.

"Hello!" Sasuke said happily, "Would you like to join us in our youthful activities?"

Itachi blinked. His brother had most certainly lost his mind. His eyes went all swirly in a very Mangekyo Sharingan-like way.

Sasuke clapped his hands. "You can do very youthful and interesting things with your eyes! That is so youthful!"

"…" Itachi repeated, and prepared to Tsukiyomi-afy Sasuke.

Except he didn't.

He just blinked again.

Then glomped his little brother.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun, I feel so youthful as well!"

"Oh, Nii-san! This is wonderful!" Sasuke said while crying dramatically, apparently remembering his blood relationship with Itachi, if nothing else.

Leah, who had been watching through a telescope, blinked rapidly. "Oh crap…."

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A/n – Hahaha! You totally should have seen that coming! It's like, there's no way that couldn't have happened! But anyways, I've noticed that the amount of reviews had decreased severely. And, I'm like, OMG. It makes me sad. But I write anyway. I think I'm addicted to writing this fic. It's like a drug. But reviews are like adding sugar to it. It makes it more hyper and more fun! So, REVIEW!


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